Helping through a Child’s Grief and Loss
When a family member dies, children process and experience grief quite differently from adults, a distinction crucial to understanding and supporting them effectively.
Young children, particularly preschoolers, often perceive death as temporary and reversible. Their understanding often influenced by books, cartoons, video games and fairy tales, where characters frequently die only to magically come back to life. To a four-year-old, death might seem like the sun setting—something hidden, yet inevitably returning with the morning. For example, a preschool child might innocently ask when their deceased grandmother will "wake up" and join them for breakfast again.
As children grow, their cognitive grasp of death evolves. Between the ages of five and nine, children begin comprehending death more realistically, recognizing it as something permanent. However, they often feel insulated, believing death is a distant phenomenon that happens only to strangers or in far-off stories. Like watching lightning in a distant storm, they see death clearly but feel certain it will never strike their home. When a sibling or parent dies, the resulting shock shatters this illusion of safety and stability, profoundly disorienting them.
Compounding a child's grief is the emotional unavailability of surviving family members. In their own grief, parents and caregivers may temporarily become like lighthouses whose lights have dimmed, unable to guide children safely through emotional storms. For instance, a seven-year-old child may struggle when her mother, overwhelmed by the death of a spouse, withdraws emotionally, unintentionally leaving the child feeling isolated and confused.
To support their children effectively, parents need awareness of typical grief responses and the signs indicating deeper struggles. According to child grief specialists, it's common for some children initially to deny the death or maintain hope that the lost family member will return. However, prolonged denial or persistent avoidance of grief is problematic, resembling a wound that never properly heals, potentially leading to deeper emotional scars later in life.
When it comes to funerals, sensitivity to a child's feelings is vital. Children should not be pressured into attendance if it causes fear or distress. However, creating alternative, comforting rituals can help them process their emotions constructively. A young boy might benefit from making a scrapbook filled with favorite memories or stories shared with his deceased father, while a girl could find solace in lighting candles nightly in honor of her sister, offering a gentle, ongoing connection.
Even after acceptance sets in, children's sadness often emerges intermittently, much like waves washing ashore—sometimes gently, sometimes powerfully and unpredictably. Families should reassure children repeatedly, affirming that openly expressing emotions is not only acceptable but also healthy. A child might burst into tears unexpectedly during playtime or quiet moments, needing reassurance that their feelings are natural and welcome.
The loss of a family member, especially a parent, can feel like losing a crucial pillar supporting a child's entire world. Anger often surfaces, manifesting as irritability, aggressive play, or nightmares. It may appear puzzling or alarming when children direct their anger toward surviving family members. Yet this anger is akin to shouting at the ocean after it steals away a beloved sandcastle—the child's emotional world has been abruptly altered, leaving them feeling helpless and needing an outlet for pain.
Following the death of a parent, regression is another common response. A child who previously demonstrated independence might suddenly crave extra attention, cuddling, and comfort, reverting to behaviors such as "baby talk" or thumb-sucking. Such regressions are often temporary, acting as emotional life rafts during turbulent times. Caregivers can respond sensitively by gently acknowledging these behaviors without criticism, offering additional reassurance and affection to help the child feel secure and supported during this vulnerable period.
Finally, younger children might erroneously believe their thoughts or wishes hold magical power over events around them, fueling intense guilt. For instance, a child who once shouted in anger, "I wish you weren't here!" might tragically conclude that this wish caused their loved one's death. Adults can compassionately address these misconceptions by clearly and repeatedly reassuring the child that such thoughts or wishes would have no real influence on events. It helps to gently discuss these feelings openly, validating the child's emotions while reinforcing their sense of safety and innocence, ultimately supporting the child's emotional healing and restoration.
Children who are having serious problems with grief and loss may show one or more of these signs:
An extended period of depression in which the child loses interest in daily activities and events
an inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone
Children acting much younger for an extended period
Children excessively imitating the dead person
Repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person
Withdrawal from friends, or
Sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school
These warning signs indicate that professional help may be needed. A child therapist can help the child accept the death and assist the survivors in helping the child through the mourning process. At the Counseling Corner children and issues of grief and loss are one of the many areas that we specialize