Navigating Adult Anxiety: Insights and Strategies
Show Notes
In this episode of Real Life Counseling, Ryan and Dr. Ernie delve into the complexities of anxiety in adults, exploring its symptoms, the impact of technology, and effective coping strategies. They discuss the importance of understanding anxiety as a common struggle rather than a character flaw, and emphasize the value of therapy and support. The conversation also highlights practical techniques for managing anxiety in daily life, as well as how to support loved ones dealing with anxiety.
Key Takeaways:
Anxiety manifests in various ways, including racing thoughts and physical symptoms.
Technology and social media can exacerbate feelings of anxiety.
Grounding techniques and mindfulness can help manage anxiety.
Therapy is beneficial even before anxiety escalates to panic attacks.
Co-regulation is key when supporting someone with anxiety.
Recognizing triggers and soothing patterns is essential for managing anxiety.
Intentional hardships can build resilience against anxiety.
Deep breathing and other techniques can calm the nervous system.
Anxiety often relates to fears about the future.
Supportive environments can help individuals feel safe to express their anxiety.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Anxiety in Adults
03:20 Understanding Symptoms of Adult Anxiety
09:02 The Impact of Technology on Anxiety
13:28 Everyday Practices for Managing Anxiety
21:21 Counseling Experience for Anxiety Relief
24:07 Lightning Round: True or False on Anxiety
26:27 Supporting Others with Anxiety
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Transcript:
Ryan Simpson (02:12.91)
Welcome to Real Life Counseling, a podcast by The Counseling Corner. I'm Ryan and I'm here each week with Dr. Ernie, founder of The Counseling Corner and licensed mental health professional. Together we explore practical real world questions about mental health, relationships, parenting, and healing. Whether you're curious about therapy, working through something tough, or trying to support someone you love, this space is for you. Dr. Ernie, how you doing this week?
Ernie Reilly (02:35.917)
I'm doing great. Good to see you, Ryan.
Ryan Simpson (02:38.488)
Yeah, you too. Anything new or exciting happening in your life this week?
Ernie Reilly (02:43.289)
Things are pretty good. I've got one of my sons competing out at US Champs for gymnastics, which is kind of a really big deal. The top kids who do the very best at nationals get invited to this additional meet that they get to compete against. They get to compete against the top, and then they're out there with the college kids who are also competing.
Ryan Simpson (03:09.78)
wow, okay. Do you know how it's going, how he's doing?
Ernie Reilly (03:13.965)
Last I checked he was doing really well. I think he was overall like fourth or something, but you never know each each each Each each routine right, you know could change everything drastically one one routine one fall one one error At that level. Yeah
Ryan Simpson (03:19.471)
Wow!
Ernie Reilly (03:38.913)
Thank you, thank you.
Ryan Simpson (03:40.094)
Today we are getting into anxiety. We did anxiety last week. We talked about it for kids. This week I'd love to dive into it with a focus on adults and adults who might be.
considering anxiety. Does that sound alright?
Ernie Reilly (03:58.2)
Sounds good to me.
Ryan Simpson (03:59.59)
Alright cool, then let's jump right into my first question. What does anxiety look like in adults and how might it impact marriages or friendships or parenting or even like workplace performance? How have you seen it do that?
Ernie Reilly (04:17.869)
Sure, sure. Good question. Yeah, so when people think of anxiety, often think of things like racing thoughts, trouble sleeping. Imagine your thoughts are racing, you're having trouble sleeping, you're pounding hard, tight chest, Constant worrying, overthinking. You want to avoid situations that feel overwhelming. You might even be having panic attacks. So now imagine having these symptoms and then showing up to work.
That becomes pretty hard to do. How focused would you be? How much energy would you have? What sort of performance would you be able to have if you were experiencing those sort of things? I had one client I can think of recently that is an experience builder. He was just feeling wired but tired all the time. It's like you're on edge but you're exhausted at the same time.
Ryan Simpson (04:48.368)
Hmm.
Ernie Reilly (05:16.749)
He was anxious on the job sites and I really couldn't concentrate and that was directly impacting his work, And his joy in his work as well. Yeah, definitely. Another client I can think of at all, this is actually just this week, was having anxiety and it's strangely enough they were having anxiety when going to church and they were having anxiety at the doctor's office.
Ryan Simpson (05:17.19)
Hmm.
Ryan Simpson (05:27.398)
stressful.
Ernie Reilly (05:46.475)
Right? Two safe places, right? But her body was reacting like she was really under threat. So we began this, we just started working on that one, trying to dig underneath what's going on there.
Ryan Simpson (05:58.606)
Interesting, so she was having like a physical response to the anxiety in places where she normally shouldn't.
Ernie Reilly (06:02.998)
Yes.
Right, places that are normally safe for her and safe for most people, right? The doctor's office, you know, it wasn't like she was the oncologist or something. She was just at, you know, her general practitioner.
Ryan Simpson (06:11.962)
Yeah, yeah. Sure.
Interesting. Okay, well, I mean, those sound very, you know, it's very obvious. Okay, this is, you know, this is probably anxiety related, especially when it's kind of physical in a place where it shouldn't. But I'm curious, are there other symptoms or maybe signs of anxiety that go overlooked that people may just be living with and then they don't even realize they are?
Ernie Reilly (06:39.584)
Yeah, definitely. Some people, you know, people say, I just overthink everything. Overthinking can be anxiety, right? Or I'm a perfectionist. Perfectionism can actually be anxiety, right? Underneath it. Certainly irritability or snapping over small things, right? If you're anxious, you're more likely to snap at your kids, snap at your spouse, snap at, you know, coworkers. Procrastination due to fear of failure, right? You're just, I don't, you know,
people who will avoid all sorts of stuff because they're just afraid that they won't be perfect or they'll fail in some way. Certainly we think of headaches and stomach aches sometimes with anxiety. Avoiding phone calls, emails, that sort of stuff. Let's see, needing constant reassurance, right? You see some people just need constant reassurance and that's oftentimes anxiety going on.
Ryan Simpson (07:19.194)
Yeah.
Ryan Simpson (07:32.902)
Hmm.
Ernie Reilly (07:38.541)
I mentioned being wired but tired all the time, that sort of feel. And then I think last week we talked about in children, it can show up very often. It shows up as anger or defiance or avoidance. And so those are some of the less common ones. Think about like the email stuff. I had one client that probably had probably, I don't know, maybe 500 to a thousand emails.
Ryan Simpson (07:53.04)
Sure.
Ernie Reilly (08:07.72)
that were unanswered due to anxiety when she came in. then with each additional one, it's yeah, just couldn't get herself to do it. And with each additional day that went by when she wasn't answering emails, it was just worse and worse for her. And this is someone who's always had been a high achiever, top of her class type employee, yet she was frozen in procrastination and overthinking and perfectionism.
Ryan Simpson (08:11.686)
Just just frozen, just couldn't answer them.
Wow.
Ernie Reilly (08:36.574)
And then on top of that, the shame that came with being so far behind.
Ryan Simpson (08:41.802)
of course. Yeah. I mean, that actually that gets me thinking about and I think I mentioned this in our last episode. It just seems like anxiety is and has been for a long time kind of on the rise at the same rate and pace as the pervasiveness of technology and almost permanent connectedness. Right. In our culture where you've got to be always on it, whether it's
professionally, right, on email or socially with social media and all of the different...
ways that we have to be available to others using technology. I'm wondering, do you think that's playing any part in the spread of anxiety across our culture?
Ernie Reilly (09:32.493)
Yeah, think most definitely, Ryan, that definitely is an issue. Research shows us the more screen time equates to lower quality of life, right? So if we do a quality of life measure before you get on social media and you spend a significant amount of time on social media and you do a quality of life measure after, your quality of life actually went down. So you put in all this time to make your life actually worse, right? Social media and YouTube, know, TV.
They can all be helpful in moderation. If you use them, I always say use them kind of like surgical, surgically, right? You know, like a surgeon gets in there, does their thing and then gets out. You don't spend time lingering, right? So if you need to go on and do something, you go there, you do what you're doing. If you're going to watch a show, you go watch a show or you, you know, you, you watch an episode of this and then you, and then you get out, right? You go connect and then you, then you get back out with social media.
The other thing that we see a lot with anxiety is too many conveniences actually can increase anxiety, which may sound really weird because conveniences are awesome. We love our conveniences, right? When things are easier, but we thrive when we have to overcome challenges, not when everything is handed to us, right? If things are super, super easy for us, we don't develop the grit, the resiliency.
Ryan Simpson (10:43.259)
Yeah.
Ernie Reilly (11:00.49)
right, and the meaning to protect us against that anxiety, right? There's something about working hard, about having to put in grit that just helps us feel more like we can handle the next thing. you know, we understand our capacity is growing. And then when you really have a feel for like, I've got a good capacity, you develop what we call fortitude, right, which is like a confidence in being able to accomplish things.
Ryan Simpson (11:09.904)
Yeah.
Ernie Reilly (11:26.912)
Right. And when you don't have that, when convenience is and things life is too easy, right. And you're not striving. You're not having to work hard. I don't mean not like the people don't work hard. People do. But when things come super easy, right. And we don't have to go in and work, right. Really, you know, overcome those challenges that can actually cause anxiety. And then when you couple that with our busy lives, right. Because we'll be super busy.
but maybe not really challenged other than we're busy. Right? And so when you have that busy life without, then you, with busy life, you usually don't have a lot of rest and reflection, right? So a busy life without rest or reflection usually equals an anxious life. All right. We need to have intentional rhythms of pause, reflection, rest, spiritual grounding, right? Just really taking time to
Ryan Simpson (12:01.382)
Mmm.
Ernie Reilly (12:25.653)
pause and have that downtime and then reengage and then we need healthy challenges and then with the things that are like social media type stuff we should limit it right really try to limit it to be surgical I'm go in here I'm gonna do this and then I'm gonna get out
Ryan Simpson (12:42.244)
Wow, okay. There was a lot there. mean, number one, no doom scrolling. Which I am super guilty of. I'm definitely guilty of a good doom scroll, man, yeah, the surgical use, I can absolutely get behind. And I definitely feel the difference in a day even when I'm using social media or my technologies like that.
Ernie Reilly (12:49.065)
Right, right, yeah, definitely not.
Ryan Simpson (13:08.57)
Yeah, I mean the grit as well and all those conveniences the first thing that came to my mind was was door-dashed just because I've I've door-dashed probably a few too many meals this week I'm not gonna say it's made me anxious, but now I'm like hmm What other bad habits maybe do I have? That might be leading me on a path that maybe I don't want to go on don't I don't even realize that I'm on
Ernie Reilly (13:30.239)
Right, right. And again, the conveniences are wonderful, right? I'm not trying to, you know, knock on conveniences, but we need to make sure we have intentional hardships, right? It's our hardships in life that forge us into developing more capacity, feeling stronger, feeling more able. And then when we feel more able and more confident and competent, right, then our anxiety tends to go down.
Ryan Simpson (13:35.056)
Sure.
Ryan Simpson (13:54.918)
Mm-hmm.
Ryan Simpson (13:58.394)
Got it, yeah, we need metaphysical workouts. We have to tear the muscle to get it stronger. So, all right, so I think everybody's probably gonna be feeling a little bit of anxiety, maybe even just hearing about some of this and the pervasiveness within our lives. So what are the everyday best practices or tips that you would give somebody with anxiety to incorporate into the day-to-day life to help with some of this stuff?
Ernie Reilly (14:00.171)
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
Ernie Reilly (14:29.077)
Yeah, sure. Let me think of some. a good thing is one is just notice your patterns, notice your triggers and the things that soothe you. That's always good to know, hey, this is what triggers me. This is what soothes me, right? Not overusing those words, just noticing, what heightens my anxiety and what actually helps me lower my anxiety in a healthy way. Use grounding before, know, grounding type techniques before anxiety peaks.
Right? That's important to do. If you're starting to have anxiety build, if you do a grounding technique that can actually help reduce that and then build healthy life rhythms like rest, nutrition and movement. Some techniques that we might use, right? Is like breathing or a vagus nerve type exercises, know, polyvagal informed type stuff, which you don't have to remember those names, but box breathing.
Box breathing would be a good one. Breathe in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, breathe out for four seconds, hold for four seconds, and breathe in for four seconds. So just you can just think of a box, four, four, four, four. That's a good breathing technique. Or humming while you breathe, humming breath. You inhale and then hum out slowly. Some people may even have a little mantra or a little something that they say.
Ryan Simpson (15:54.735)
okay.
Ernie Reilly (15:55.145)
that maybe connects with their faith or helps them to just feel calmer in addition to that. Breathing from your diaphragm, so belly breathing, not just shallow breathing, because sometimes we can think we're breathing and we can even be breathing, but we're just breathing these little shallow breaths. when you're breathing deep, your diaphragm actually moves, right? Another thing is for...
Each other we can do like this co-regulating where you know if someone else is anxious and we're able to be calm We just kind of sit with them calm and be there with them. I mentioned that time for last time for parents Right, you know if you couples as well you can do that for each other, If one, know I remember the one couple they would get super anxious when all when they were paired preparing they had a big family when they're preparing for any big event or or or family trip or anything like that their anxiety would go
Skyrocketed one of them there one of their spouses would and the other one could just calm right and stay calm and also not take Personal when the person's like getting irritable, right? Because anxiety causes us to be irritable, right? And so try not to take that stuff personal when you know, it's Anxiety and then for the person who's anxious try to be responsible with your anxiety. All right, so that's all you know
Ryan Simpson (16:52.784)
Bye.
Ryan Simpson (17:03.334)
Sure.
Ernie Reilly (17:18.825)
Those are things that we can do. And then mindfulness exercises, Try to be mindful, be in the present moment. Anxiety is almost always about the future, right? Just like depression is frequently about the past, right? We're reflecting on things in the past and anxiety is like something bad's going to happen, right? It's like a false alarm is going on, like something bad is happening. Really nothing bad is happening in the moment. Most often,
Ryan Simpson (17:37.967)
Interesting.
Ernie Reilly (17:47.999)
There's actually nothing if you just stay grounded in the moment you're mindful where you're at though the anxiety usually can lessen because there's nothing actually to be anxious about. And then some other things that you could try like progressive muscle relaxation. Just tense your body then relax your body tense parts of your body that relax your body. You can try visualization visualizing you know.
calm things, right, calm place. Some people like to use things with aromatherapy and that sort of stuff. You can do those things as well. One grounding technique that you could do, we could just call it, for lack of a better name, the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, right? And it's just five things you see, five things you hear, five things you feel. And then you do four things you see, feel, and hear. And it doesn't have to be, you know, it can be feel, see, hear, right? You know, it can be any of those.
Ryan Simpson (18:38.182)
That'll get you focused.
Ernie Reilly (18:42.674)
And by the time you get down to one thing you see, feeling here, right? You're really pretty much grounded in the moment, right? Where am I? I'm sitting here talking to Ryan on the podcast, sitting in a chair, feet on the floor. I hear my voice. I hear Ryan's voice. You know, I hear the air conditioning going, right? I feel the chair beneath me. I feel the floor beneath my feet, right? And so on. Another one is a three, three, three rule. That's very similar. It's just three things you see here.
Ryan Simpson (18:49.99)
Absolutely.
Ryan Simpson (19:04.848)
Mm-hmm.
Ernie Reilly (19:12.328)
And then three things you move, right? Like, you know, so three things you see here and then like I move my arm, I move my foot, I move my, you know, my fingers, right? And that can help people really ground as well. Sometimes holding a grounding object. Some people have like an object that really helps them feel grounded or even using things that are really stimulating, like holding ice cubes.
Ryan Simpson (19:21.112)
Interesting.
Ernie Reilly (19:40.299)
Ice cubes can oftentimes really stimulate. Or like you see in movies and that sort of stuff, and people certainly do this. They'll wash their face with cold water. That's similar. So that's another type thing. Another one, strangely enough, yes, yes. And that physical sensation kind of pulls you out of, especially if you're starting to have maybe a panic attack or something like that, that can help pull you out. Another one that most people don't really think about,
Ryan Simpson (19:41.434)
Really?
Ryan Simpson (19:51.941)
Okay.
it pulls you to the physical sensation.
God.
Ernie Reilly (20:10.022)
is sour candy, super sour candy can sometimes get people pull them out. Now it doesn't work for everyone, but for some people they really find something like that really helps. Sometimes people use rubber bands. They'll have a rubber band. see athletes sometimes they'll have these rubber bands and they'll snap them on their wrist. And that's when they're getting starting to ruminate or their mindset is getting off.
Same thing for anxiety when I'm starting to get into a bad place You could snap the rubber band and that causes just a moment of I don't love that one because it doesn't flick some pain I don't use it really with kids but with adults if you if you know if you feel good about it You can do that any of those things are like a physical distraction Yeah You see that you'll see sometimes on the sideline
Ryan Simpson (20:46.928)
Sure.
Ryan Simpson (20:50.64)
That's interesting about the athletes.
I have seen that, I've been wondering what that was. so it's a disruptive technique for thought patterns.
Ernie Reilly (21:02.376)
Yeah, it's to help keep their mental game, right? Keep them when they're starting to ruminate or they're getting off their game. They can do that. And then they usually jump right back into something else. So I snap this, and then I move right back into my other techniques. So it's kind of like stacking techniques. So I do this, and then I do this, and then I do this. First I snap the rubber band, then I do this such and such, and then I do this such and such, and then I get back on my game.
Ryan Simpson (21:20.228)
Yeah.
Ryan Simpson (21:26.596)
It's a playbook. That's a heck of a playbook. Wow. Okay, well we're going to find a way to get all of that condensed and onto the site. We're going to package that up as the daily anxiety playbook. There's so much goodness in there just in those last few minutes. My next question though would be for somebody who maybe has tried those things or has heard about those things and have been doing some of these exercises for a while but still can't seem to find any relief.
Ernie Reilly (21:31.561)
Yeah.
Ryan Simpson (21:56.678)
If they came to you, can you just tell me what the experience would be like when they come to an actual counseling experience?
Ernie Reilly (22:05.289)
Yeah, that's a good question because some people, right, especially anxious people might be anxious about coming in, right? They're already anxious and then they're going to come in to do something that's brand new. know, counseling, if it's done right, should be really easy, right? You're coming to talk to someone who's great at listening, who can guide you, right? You can help you articulate what you're trying to find. I was talking to a guy this week and he's got some pretty significant anxiety, but it's really hard for him to even really like
talk a whole lot. He's the type of guy that would just kind of disappear in a crowd. And so just kind of guiding him slowly, right? Connecting with him, helping him to be able to express himself in a comfortable way. It's all about being heard and seen, right? Like that co-regulation that I talked about. So you're just there being calm with them and then helping them see that this is stuff people overcome all the time. So it's something they can overcome too.
Right? What we're going to do is we're going to learn some techniques to help. And then we're also going to look underneath to see what's going on underneath it so that we can resolve it more long-term. So the combination of the techniques to help and the resolving issues underneath, right? And usually people come away just feeling a lot more hope, a lot more like, hey, this is really going to help a whole lot. It's already starting to help. I was working with a woman today and her issue.
Ryan Simpson (23:21.776)
Yeah.
Ernie Reilly (23:33.352)
was just having this fear of a particular type of situation that she's about to have to be in. And so we worked on some techniques and she came away, she was just like, almost like skipping out of the office, right? She wasn't skipping, but she was almost like skipping. You could just see it in her, you know, she was just feeling so much, she said, I feel so much lighter and so much like more ready to actually, you know, I'm a lot more ready to handle the situation that I have to be in.
Ryan Simpson (23:45.712)
Hmm.
Ernie Reilly (24:02.181)
even though it may not be my favorite type of situation.
Ryan Simpson (24:05.51)
That's gotta feel good as a counselor, right? To have a client walking out like that.
Ernie Reilly (24:08.925)
Yeah, love when people are, know, when, that's why I say I'm always kind of like on a mission, right? To go in and try to help people and pull them out of difficult situations and help them, you know, just live life fully.
Ryan Simpson (24:23.014)
Yeah, that's encouraging and hopeful. So I love to hear that. All right, we're coming to the end, but we're gonna try something a little different this week. I wanna do a lightning round, true or false. I'm gonna say a few statements and then you give me a true or false and maybe a sentence or two about why. And we'll just keep, we'll just bang these out. Does that sound good?
Ernie Reilly (24:45.575)
OK, sounds great. Let's do it.
Ryan Simpson (24:47.404)
cool, alright so statement number one. People with anxiety are just mentally weaker people.
Ernie Reilly (24:54.529)
That's absolutely false. Not at all true. Anxiety is not a character flaw, right? It's just something that we're struggling with. Everybody's got struggles. That isn't even remotely true.
Ryan Simpson (25:06.19)
Okay, deep breathing is a viable response that helps to control anxiety symptoms.
Ernie Reilly (25:12.253)
That's true, right? Deep breathing does help calm the nervous system, right? That doesn't mean that just deep breathing is going to take care of all anxiety, but certainly breathing deep, getting in oxygen. We even have oxygen bars out there where people go and they just breathe oxygen, right? You know, like, why do they do that? Cause it has a common, yeah. Cause it has a calming effect. So deep breathing has a calming effect. If we can get good oxygen in and carbon dioxide out, right? Then absolutely deep breathing helps.
Ryan Simpson (25:27.718)
I've seen those, yeah.
Ryan Simpson (25:42.508)
the basics well. Okay, statement three, I have to be having panic attacks or other severe symptoms to justify therapy for anxiety.
Ernie Reilly (25:43.773)
Yes. Yeah.
Ernie Reilly (25:51.978)
Yeah, that's definitely false. Therapy can help long before things escalate into panic attacks and such. So if you're having a decent amount of anxiety, especially if it's fairly consistent, it's causing any struggles in your life, or just stealing your joy, why not come in and get some healing from that and find some good techniques and not have it go to someplace like panic attacks?
Ryan Simpson (26:19.066)
I love it. Preemptive, preemptive health, Pound of prevention, an ounce of prevention, pound of cure. If I have anxiety, it is still possible for me to feel like myself again or experience freedom.
Ernie Reilly (26:22.461)
Yeah.
Ernie Reilly (26:33.327)
Absolutely, with the right tools and support and freedom, know, and freedom is definitely possible, right? Tools, support, you know, we're going to look underneath it. We're going to learn some techniques. Absolutely. You can feel like yourself again. That's important to know.
Ryan Simpson (26:50.8)
that is good to hear. All right, so last question and then we'll wrap up. I'm, maybe I'm a person who isn't necessarily struggling with anxiety, but I know someone who this episode is making me think of, and I'm thinking maybe could either use this episode or use some help, how would you coach them? How would you coach that person to best relate to their friend or family member that they think is dealing with some anxiety?
Ernie Reilly (27:17.635)
Probably one of the biggest things, and we talked about this when we talked about parenting, right? Children with anxiety is to co-regulate. So you stay calm, right? If you get super anxious about their anxiety, or if you feel like you got to fix their anxiety, people don't really need you to fix their anxiety. They just need you to give them a safe, calm, comfortable place where they're not alone and they're able to be there with someone else.
who can help them, right? And you connect with them and then you stay calm. You can either breathe, right? And you relax yourself and as you do that, that can help them, right? And then encourage, encourage them, hey, there's lots of ways. I know people have had this and they go get help, right? There's all sorts of techniques that we can use. We just listed a bunch of them. Those are just some of them.
Ryan Simpson (27:56.358)
Mhm.
Ernie Reilly (28:13.635)
There's more than that, but those are just some of the ones that we might teach. So there's all sorts of things. And usually you can find a few that really work for somebody and then encourage them to get some help.
Ryan Simpson (28:23.759)
Okay.
Well, I think that's a fantastic place to wrap. So if you are that person or you feel like you're really identifying with this yourself and are looking for maybe some help or some next level guidance, you can come see us at counselingcorner.net. And I think we'll wrap there. So thanks for joining us on Real Life Counseling, a podcast by the Counseling Corner. If today's conversation helped you or got you thinking, we'd love it if you shared this episode or leave us a review.
For more information or to connect with Dr. Ernie or anybody on his counseling team, you can visit us online at counselingcorner.net or send us a message on our social media at Facebook and Instagram. Until next time, take care of yourself and the people you love. Thanks, Dr. Ernie. Have a good week.
Ernie Reilly (29:11.081)
All right, you too. Thanks, Ryan.