Healthy Holiday Habits Part 2: Navigating Family Dynamics
Summary
In this episode of Real Life Counseling, Ryan Simpson, Dr. Ernie Reilly, and Michelle Buchanan discuss how families can navigate the complexities of holiday gatherings. They explore the expectations placed on children, the dynamics of family interactions, and the emotional stressors that can arise during the holiday season. The conversation emphasizes the importance of understanding individual family members' needs, managing stress, and creating meaningful connections without the pressure of perfection. Practical tools and takeaways are provided to help families enjoy a more peaceful and joyful holiday experience including considering family therapy. We’d be honored to walk alongside you and yours during this holiday season.
Takeaways
Kids are unique individuals and may struggle with behavior during gatherings.
Understanding your child's needs is crucial in large family settings.
It's okay to leave a gathering early if your child is struggling.
Creating alternative holiday traditions can ease family pressure.
Every yes comes with a no; be mindful of your choices.
Fear and anxiety often underlie holiday stress for parents.
Connection is more important than perfection during the holidays.
Meltdowns can provide valuable insights into children's needs.
Perfectionism can be passed down to children; aim for balance instead.
Taking time to rest and recharge is essential for families.
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Transcript:
Ryan Simpson (00:45.035)
Welcome to Real Life Counseling, a podcast by the Counseling Corner. I'm Ryan and I'm here with Dr. Ernie Riley, licensed clinical social worker and founder of the Counseling Corner. And joining us again is Michelle Buchanan, licensed mental health counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist. Today, we're shifting from couples to families, how to keep peace, connection, and sanity through the holidays, even when there are expectations, extended relatives, kids' emotions, and endless traditions all competing for attention.
So if that sounds good, I'd love to jump right in. All right?
Ernie Reilly (01:18.2)
Sounds good, Ryan.
Michelle (01:18.474)
Sounds good.
Ryan Simpson (01:19.411)
Alright, we'll kick it off again with some holiday hot takes but family edition. So you tell me if these opinions are true, or if there's trouble in them. So number one, kids really should be on their best behavior at holiday gatherings. There are really no excuses.
Michelle (01:39.284)
Well, that would be nice. Sounds like a plan to me, but I don't know that that's really a realistic expectation to have, right? In fact, you know, every little one will be different, right? They're all unique individuals, just like we are as adults. And so sometimes they might become stressed at a gathering or be tired or what have you. So of course, if you're feeling that way, it's hard for them.
Ryan Simpson (01:41.576)
Right, wouldn't it?
Michelle (02:06.457)
right at their younger ages to manage their behavior well at times. yeah, sometimes they might struggle a bit.
Ernie Reilly (02:15.672)
Yeah, I would say that's not really such a hot take as it is a fantasy. Ask any elementary school teacher and they will tell you right before Christmas break and right after Christmas break. Kids are all sorts of all over the place. Their schedules are changed. They've got more sugar than they would normally have in their life. Their sleeping is a little bit, you know, they're maybe not sleeping quite as much. There's all sorts of things. Over-stimulated.
Ryan Simpson (02:20.572)
Ha ha ha ha.
Ernie Reilly (02:45.28)
Lots going on, right? Lots of excitement. The nervous system is, you know, it's stimulated. So we can't expect perfectly behaved kids. If you've ever been at Disney and at the end of Disney and you're driving on the monorail and you see this poor lovely family get in and they've got three or four kids with them and there's one that is, right, they're overstimulated, they're overstretched. It's been a long day.
and the child is just too much. So sometimes doing less or certainly understanding when the child is having a hard time. It really is a hard thing to do. Can't expect kids to behave perfectly.
Ryan Simpson (03:27.657)
No, makes a lot of sense. And for those listening, we are in Orlando. So we are Orlando locals who are intimately familiar with the Disney Meltdown. If we have any Orlando listeners, they'll know exactly what we're talking about. All right. Number two, big holiday gatherings are always better for kids. It's more fun.
Ernie Reilly (03:38.882)
Yes.
Michelle (03:50.001)
more likely trouble. Again, it depends on the little ones. Some little ones are right in there and ready for the mix. You know, there can be fun with extended family and cousins coming over and the kiddos from down the street joining in for some fun for sure, but then other times maybe not. So it really depends. You want to understand your own child, right? Which you do. You know, as parents, who knows their little one better than you. So.
Just kind of try to understand your little one and how do they normally feel or typically feel if there's large crowds of people or they become a little overstimulated. Maybe have a little plan, a little plan of how to get them out of it or find some space and time for just the two of you to have just a little parent-child time and see if you can help them navigate back to feeling a little bit better.
Ernie Reilly (04:44.066)
Yeah, would say Ryan, don't come with, kids don't come with manuals. And so you have to figure out some kids are great with big gatherings. Some kids, you know, love it, but they can only handle a little bit of it. Some kids, it really is quite a struggle for them. And if you know that you can build in some methods to try to help. Like I know for my two kids, when they were little, one of them loves the big gathering and they both love big gatherings actually.
But one of them loves it and can go the whole time and be just like loving it the whole time. The other one has learned and we've learned and we've taught him to understand himself that he needs to take little times where he goes and unplugs for a little bit. And so he'll just go off for a little bit and then he'll replug back in. And that's absolutely fine. We don't need him to be, it's not a performance. This is about enjoying.
Ryan Simpson (05:40.001)
You know, it's no, go ahead, Michelle.
Michelle (05:40.128)
So what would you, I'm sorry. So what do you think Dr. Riley then if as parents you felt like you needed to leave a party or get together early when your little one's struggling with that?
Ernie Reilly (05:53.646)
Yeah, so sometimes that's the right intervention. Sometimes you need to respect that you're asking someone to do something. They only have a certain ability to do. Now, sometimes you can just pause and take a little bit of a break and then return. Sometimes you might try to build some capacity, some more grit and capacity to push through, but you're going to have to sort of figure out what's the best intervention with that child given the circumstances.
You don't want to have a kid that's just going to have a meltdown in a party and then be embarrassed by it and that sort of thing. You don't want that. You also don't want to go in and say, my kid has to be perfectly behaved or I look bad. We don't want that. I remember I've shared this on a podcast before, but I was in the middle of Panera online ordering and my one child tackled my other child.
And here they are wrestling in the middle of an era and I'm like, yes, I am a child of family therapist. Yes, I do it for a living. Kids can handle certain things and certain things are gonna happen. We don't wanna take that on as our thing. That it's just, hey, we're here loving these kids and helping them through it. So sometimes you leave the party, sometimes you stay and push through, sometimes you take a little breaks. That's what I'd say.
Michelle (06:53.994)
Help!
Michelle (06:57.406)
Hahaha
Ryan Simpson (07:17.621)
We have two kids, three and one and a half, and it's been fun to start to watch them try to navigate that and learn them. Because my wife and I are golden retriever energy, just kind of want to be in there in the mix. It seems like our eldest might not quite have the same disposition. She gets in and then she goes away and then she gets in. And so it's been fun trying to learn how to successfully parent and cheer that on.
established grit. So it's it's nice to go into the holidays though without that expectation. I'll just say like there is no, you know, lesson or practice. This is a party. It's okay to just have fun. Good little kid.
Ernie Reilly (08:00.718)
Right. If you think about it, sometimes I'll use the example of like you use the golden retriever. Some people are like golden retrievers and some people are like kitty cats. Right. A kitty cat, you're at least a stereotypical cat. You need to give them some distance. You need to give them some space. You can't over stimulate them or they need to go hide under the bed or something, so to speak.
Ryan Simpson (08:08.256)
Mm-hmm.
Ryan Simpson (08:11.668)
I know some cats.
Ryan Simpson (08:20.974)
yeah.
Michelle (08:26.248)
A great example.
Ryan Simpson (08:27.871)
Okay, next one. We should see every side of the family to keep the peace.
Michelle (08:37.246)
Well, know, I guess I come back to a little bit of just some realistic expectations. You know, we'd love to see all of our family members and your kiddos are precious to them, right? I'm sure that the grandparents and aunts and uncles and everybody is wanting to see the little ones and you're wanting to share that time with them too. So some of that pressure might also be coming internally. All of that pressure might not always.
Ryan Simpson (09:04.097)
Mm.
Michelle (09:04.948)
be necessarily externally. Sometimes you might yourself notice that you have a draw or that desire to see everybody and have that time with them and your little ones. So, you you got to kind of just, I guess, gauge that as well. But I would invite parents to be open minded about other alternatives, right? I'm a new Grammy. I'm a Grammy now this year for the first time.
Ryan Simpson (09:27.125)
Congrats.
Ernie Reilly (09:28.545)
Yay!
Michelle (09:29.418)
Thank you, thank you. And we decided, my husband and I, to celebrate Christmas with them on a different day other than Christmas. And a part of that was really to give them the space that they would need to have that time to divide the day in a way that can lean into some rest, lean into some relaxation and give them the space that they need.
Ryan Simpson (09:37.738)
Hmm.
Michelle (09:54.113)
create different traditions, whether it's necessarily on the 25th or whether it's on the 28th. Again, are they really gonna remember years from now what the exact date was? I don't know that they will, right? So I would say maybe consider some alternate alternatives. might find some good way to connect, but in different ways and at different times.
Ernie Reilly (10:15.852)
Yeah, we do the same thing. have what we call Riley Christmas. And Riley Christmas is with my side of the family, right? And we do it on a different day. And if you ask my kids, that's one of their favorite holidays. Riley Christmas is, you know, they love it. So, you know, it doesn't have to be on the 25th. You can do it the weekend before Thanksgiving. You can have a Thanksgiving thing. And then, you know, or the weekend after, right? Or you can do a little bit before Christmas or a little bit after Christmas.
Ryan Simpson (10:31.26)
Ha ha.
Ernie Reilly (10:44.086)
There's all sorts of things that you can do to be creative, but keeping the peace. you think about your main mission field is to taking care of these kids and taking care of this family. And you certainly want to be connected as well, but you want to have your finger on the pulse of what is needed and what is healthiest. And then be creative. Think outside the box. Ask other families what they do. Talk to a therapist and a counselor and they might come up with all sorts of great ideas.
Ryan Simpson (11:02.123)
Mm.
Ryan Simpson (11:14.783)
That's great.
Michelle (11:15.13)
There is a saying that I heard years ago and I love this saying, you guys probably have heard it too, is every time you say yes to something, you say no to something else. Ooh, right? Maybe saying yes to seeing all those people, what are we saying no to then? Did we say no to a good sleep time? Did we say no to nap time for our little ones or giving them space with their own friends if maybe they're adolescents or teenagers? What are we saying no to when we say our yeses?
Ryan Simpson (11:24.769)
Mmm.
Ernie Reilly (11:26.264)
Yes.
Michelle (11:44.916)
So be mindful of your ness's yes's, there is a no behind it.
Ryan Simpson (11:50.261)
I feel like we may need to do an episode on the power of yes and no, and how they relate because there seems to be a theme right in our conversations. Okay, well, I want to move on to our next segment, I would love to do a deep dive want to hear from you as experts on some, some of the deeper or harder, perhaps questions that families have to deal with around the holidays, and hear from your expert perspective. So, Dr. Ali, my first question is for you from a family systems perspective, what creates the
Ernie Reilly (11:54.562)
There you go.
Thank
Ryan Simpson (12:18.379)
biggest holiday stress for families, especially when multiple generations are involved.
Ernie Reilly (12:24.506)
Yeah, so I don't know what the biggest would be. I know what some common ones are and some common ones that can be big. So I'll sort of answer it that way. Power and control struggles. That's a big one. Right. So there is sort of oftentimes mass as tradition or expectations. So, but it may be power and control. So that's a big one. Sometimes unspoken rules or rigid roles.
Ryan Simpson (12:30.005)
Okay.
Ryan Simpson (12:44.224)
Hmm.
Ernie Reilly (12:53.71)
That nobody is really allowed to question or nobody really knows what they are or only one person knows what they are Especially if you got some power and control stuff going on Maybe one person has all these expectations and all these rules, but they're not really laid out There weren't a lot of discussions. So we we see that and from a family systems lens, maybe Sometimes we see a lack of differentiation of self-like. So when people start to
go through adolescence and such, or even through childhood, you start to see them become individuals. Some families say, nope, you got to be this. You still got to stay here. And you see that a lot when family, teenagers or they go off to college and they come back and they're like, sucked back into that role. I think we talked a little bit about that in our last episode. They're sucked back into some roles. It can happen. It can happen like that. The ability to be yourself.
Ryan Simpson (13:30.794)
Hmm
Ernie Reilly (13:51.886)
and have differences, have different thoughts, have different opinions, have different preferences, and that'd be okay. We want to love people who they are, and even if we don't necessarily agree with certain things, they don't have to be what we thought they should be. So those are some of the things that I see.
Ryan Simpson (13:59.551)
Yeah.
Michelle (14:10.464)
Isn't that what lends into such an emotional connection, And that ability to be different from somebody in our life and be connected, right? That different, might be different, I might have different thoughts than you, I might approach this from a different perspective, but that's okay. We can feel safe with each other in our relationship with those differences.
Ryan Simpson (14:38.441)
It is fun to especially. sorry. Go ahead, doctor.
Ernie Reilly (14:39.022)
Michelle, what are you... you... Go ahead. Go ahead, right?
Ryan Simpson (14:44.841)
I have I have just noticed, I think by accident that trend. Because I went to Florida moved to Florida, my family's back in Philadelphia, and for many years would fly back to Philadelphia. And I would feel myself becoming like the version of Ryan that left Pennsylvania. But I'd been in Florida for seven years, you know, so like, this is an entirely different person who's lived an entirely different life. And I would find myself going back and the only thing that kind of lifted that
out of out of me was that I noticed the family that was going back to visit, they also had their own journey over the last year. And I wanted to learn about the one that they just went on. And so by doing that, it allowed us all to enter into a posture of like, what happened over the last year to make you become how you are. And it made the holidays actually a lot more fun because it's like meeting family again, like for the first time as a new person. Maybe that's just the dopamine hit, but it was a fun exercise for sure during the holidays.
Ernie Reilly (15:44.568)
That's awesome. Michelle, do you see a lot where they all, when you have a family and you have the extended family and then you got the kids, right? And the parents are torn between what do we do that's best for the kids? What do we do for the extended family? And what are some of your thoughts and what do you help people to do?
Michelle (15:44.64)
Great, that's wonderful.
Michelle (16:07.226)
sure, sure, right. Yeah, you're juggling, right? And I think that there is so much to juggle. Maybe ornaments, maybe schedules and people's needs around the holidays, but that's one of them. And just kind of, wow, there's so many people that we love. So I think just kind of start by the view of that, right? That actually I really care about these people and then it's likely that they care about me in return.
Right? And so when we're looking at our children, right, we are charged as parents, it's our responsibility to take care of our children and where they're at and the truth of what their needs are in that space and time. You know, if we've got toddlers or babies, they're going to need something so different, right? They might need to be in a crib. They might need to have, you know, a dark room. Every baby is different and they have different needs, right? You might have an older kiddo who struggles with some social anxiety and
Maybe they've got some things that they've got to work through when you're all getting together for things. And you may have teenagers who, you know, they have finals coming up and they have a boyfriend or girlfriend and gifts to buy for people and a part-time job on the side. you know, there's so much that we have as parents to just look at our little ones and just care for them and know that they're people too.
and they need to be thought of and how we're scheduling things. So when we think about how to navigate extended family with them, I think one thing we can do is really create warmth also by just kind of communicating with them about where our little ones are at and what's happening in their lives. And then also just...
you know, kind of create that routine and ritual of our kiddos sharing with the extended family when we're getting together with them, you know, encourage them to share, know, hey, you know, we're going to see aunt so-and-so. Share with her what you got out. You know, maybe she doesn't know you're working this year. It might be nice for her to hear about that. But, you know, as your children start to connect more, and you do too with the extended family, live with where you're at, right? You know, live in your truth today. not only you, but your children too.
Ernie Reilly (18:17.239)
Absolutely.
Ryan Simpson (18:19.669)
So talk to Ernie. For parents who are trying to hold the family together, navigate the season, there's a lot of weight on them. It might feel like traditions, new or busier schedules, familial pressures. Is there an emotional dynamic underneath that's going on that maybe they can be paying attention to?
Ernie Reilly (18:21.933)
Mm-hmm.
Ernie Reilly (18:43.086)
Yeah, there can be a lot of different stuff going on underneath. One of the things that we see is fear or anxiety. Fear that it's not going to, the holidays aren't going to work out, right? The holidays aren't going to be everything that we hoped that would be, or our kids are going to be disappointed or something isn't going to go right. And then if that's happening, that I'm not a good enough parent, somehow I blew it, that sort of thing. So we see a lot of that.
Ryan Simpson (19:09.963)
Hmm.
Ernie Reilly (19:12.846)
I see that in my office, certainly. And one of the things I would say is keep in mind that kids typically have enough gifts. The house looks festive enough. It doesn't, there's good enough, really, what you, if you think about like when you're with a good friend, do they need to be dressed perfect? Do they need to be super coordinated in all they do? Do their words have to flow perfectly? No.
That's not the case at all. People stumble over their words. I do it all the time. Right, people, you know, this or that, it's not perfect. What you're looking for is that connection. That's really what you're looking for. I talk to kids all the time about when they're having anxiety about meeting new people, that, hey, think about your friends. Are they perfect? And they usually laugh and say, not at all. people aren't looking for that in you either. People aren't looking for the perfect holiday.
Michelle (19:46.238)
Mm-hmm.
Ryan Simpson (20:08.737)
Hmm.
Ernie Reilly (20:10.574)
they're looking for a connection and to feel special and to feel feel part of. And so I think that the dynamic is probably fear and anxiety about this not going well. So if we have, if we calm that anxiety part, like calm the amygdala down that that part of our brain, everything's okay. Breathe, right? You know,
Remember like, hey, who's the family that got through this and this and this? that was us. Who's the family that got through this? that was us, right? Remember, hey, we're gonna get through this. Instead of what if it goes wrong, what if it goes right? Because it usually does. Most things go right. Not everything does, but most things do.
Ryan Simpson (20:48.641)
Mm-hmm.
Ryan Simpson (20:53.481)
Yeah, there's probably power in that in that self story, right that you tell yourself. Okay, well, that was fantastic. I want to move now into our next segment. I want your reactions to some real holiday tensions that either I my friends or people that I know have experienced and I love your reactions as counselors. So number one, my kids meltdown pretty much every night because their schedule is it's just off but
That's the holidays. That's just kind of how we do it.
Michelle (21:27.124)
well, what can we do to help our little ones? Right? You know, what can we do to help prevent the meltdown behind that meltdown is a little one is struggling, right? They don't want to have a meltdown any more than you want them to. So kind of, you know, building back into their routine, leaning back in toward their their routine. Children love routines. They love to know what to expect next. You know, maybe even if they're old enough, have a little calendar and let them see where you're at with the next.
thing on the schedule is, lean back into where they're at. And if they need a break, if they need to get back into routine, head back in with them.
Ernie Reilly (22:06.062)
Yeah, think of the meltdown as a data point. It's a piece of data. Something is being shared. What is being shared? Is it that we're not getting enough sleep? Is it that we got too much sugar? Is it that we're too overstimulated? Is it that we need breaks? What is it that we need? A meltdown is simply something for us to understand the data it's giving us. Instead of getting mad, it's natural to feel frustrated. It's very natural to feel frustrated.
but try to think of it as its data being shared.
Michelle (22:38.976)
That's a good point too. to follow up on that, think sometimes as parents, we are so connected to our little ones, aren't we? We're so connected with them, right? Right when they're little and they look at us and we smile at them and they smile back at us. And then we just kind of continue that on throughout their lives and we meet them often, right? If they're worried, sometimes we worry with them. If they're sad, sometimes we're sad with them. But remember, we don't need to always join with somebody else's emotions. So.
kind of being able to step out and back as a parent when your little one melts down and know that they're melting down, what can I do to step in as a parent, but not joining in that same emotion state that they're in, knowing that you're in a different space and have a different role.
Ryan Simpson (23:22.623)
Yeah, being the calm that can draw them back in. Yeah. Okay. Scenario number two.
Ernie Reilly (23:25.25)
Yeah. Yeah.
Ryan Simpson (23:32.171)
grandparents seem to undermine our parenting rules during the holidays, but it's hard to push back.
Ernie Reilly (23:40.366)
Hmm.
Michelle (23:41.281)
They do, right? I mean, that can happen. Not only grandparents, but so many. And I can imagine that all three of us and our watchers have seen it in real time where other family members maybe, you they'll give the baby some pudding. And we're not wanting them to have sugar yet at that age or what have you. you know, our families are precious to us and we want them to be precious to our children.
Ernie Reilly (23:42.798)
Yes.
Michelle (24:08.832)
We might not always agree with each other and so, you know if the grandparents sometimes do things a little bit differently Have some space in your heart to give them some grace, you know They're your parents right and your honey's parents likely they've given you a whole lot of grace through your lifetime So afford them a little bit of grace They came from a different generation and sure might be doing some things a little bit differently. So give a little bit of space for that
And then step in when you need to. If it's something that really is really, really important to you and your sweetheart, then step in when you need to and kind of find a balance there.
Ernie Reilly (24:44.814)
Yeah, perfect, perfect answer.
Ryan Simpson (24:47.827)
OK, last one and I'll be 100 % transparent. I wrote this one. This is like this is my scenario. But be brutal, be brutal. It's OK, I can take it. Promise I feel pressured to make the holidays perfect for my kids.
Ernie Reilly (24:56.597)
Okay.
Ernie Reilly (25:09.164)
All right, so that's very common, right? So good news, Ryan, is you're not alone. So thanks for the disclosure, but there's lots and lots of people who feel that pressure. And we talked a little bit about it before, just that sometimes doing less is more. Sometimes being a little imperfect is more perfect. It might sound weird to say that, but if you walked into a model home,
Ryan Simpson (25:14.613)
Mm-hmm. good.
Michelle (25:15.552)
No.
Ernie Reilly (25:36.48)
and there were lines in the carpet because everything was just vacuumed and all the pillows are perfect. How comfortable do you feel kind of flopping down and relaxing? Whereas if it's reasonably clean, right? It's, you know, you can tell somebody cared. It's not neglected. It's definitely cared for, but it's not quite perfect. That actually feels more comfortable. There's a neat book out there. I love the title, The Gift of Imperfection.
Ryan Simpson (25:52.993)
Yeah.
Ernie Reilly (26:05.558)
If it really is, when we're imperfect with each other, it actually helps us feel more comfortable. And when the holidays aren't perfect and we can roll with it, because guess what we're teaching our kids is that is how life is. Resiliency is the ability to bounce back. Grit is the ability to push through when things are tough. Capacity is the ability to develop. I can hold more. I can handle more. I can deal with the imperfections. We want that a whole lot more than, everything was perfect for me.
Ryan Simpson (26:17.537)
Mm.
Ernie Reilly (26:35.808)
And then when I stepped out of this environment with my parents and such, the world said something very different and I wasn't prepared for it. So maybe the pressure should be to do a good job, reasonably care, but try to give them reality, try to give them a life that's, know, love and connected, but not perfect.
Ryan Simpson (26:36.001)
Mm.
Ryan Simpson (26:53.985)
Mmm.
Michelle (26:58.656)
It's so true. And when we have that expectation of ourselves to Ryan, which I feel like so many of us as parents in one form or other at one time or another really have experienced that, again, you know, beautiful takeaway that you're just wanting to do something wonderful for your family. So, you know, your heart's in a beautiful spot of wanting to provide something, right, and in a connecting kind of way. But our kids, they, boy, they smell that stuff from a mile away.
Ryan Simpson (27:15.745)
Mm-hmm.
Michelle (27:27.944)
Our kiddos, when we are perfectionistic ourselves, guess where it's gonna lead them, right? And so, and they're young and we don't know it, but you know how that goes, right? The kids are gonna pick up on the things we really don't want them to pick up on. So perfectionism is one of them. And when we have that expectation of ourselves, the kids as they get older, they might have that of themselves. We don't want that to be the generational gift that we give them, right? That's not the gift that we want our children to take from us is perfectionism.
you know, you, yeah.
Ryan Simpson (27:57.546)
Yes, yeah. No, it's good. And those those holiday moments, I feel like are at least in my memory. So if I'm thinking about looking back on on my memory, if I'm on a journey, and I turn around, I can see mountain peaks, right? I can't necessarily see all the valleys. And I feel like holidays are the mountain peaks that I can see. And so how things were during those peak moments oftentimes are what shaped the story that I've constructed for
Ernie Reilly (27:58.063)
Absolutely.
Ryan Simpson (28:25.653)
for myself and becomes part of the identity, right, that I feel. And so when I think about that, and what are those mountain peak moments and how was life at those peaks going to be? That makes me want to be a lot more intentional about how I shaped those for my kids. They don't have to be perfect. They need to be designed for resilience, right? Designed for grit and joy and grace. Those are the generational things that I want to pass. So that was good. Thank you. I appreciate that. Okay, I need now
Michelle (28:50.698)
Beautiful.
Ryan Simpson (28:55.233)
for our next segment, one tool, a simple doable tool that families could use this weekend to reduce conflict, stress, or disappointments as they go into, I think, two more Saturdays before Christmas. So give me one tool. Michelle, would you mind starting us?
Michelle (29:13.92)
I'd encourage you to take some time with your family to sit together and share a memory of previous holidays and ask each other, what would you like from this holiday? What would you like from this Christmas together? What are you most looking forward to? Hear them, right? Hear their one thing, share your one thing. And all of you as a family, everybody helping one another to make that happen. Not just the parents making things happen, but let the children also.
Be the doers of good, be the givers as well. Wrapping the presents, choosing the gifts, making a bed, stirring the cocoa. But help the children be a part of making that happen.
Ryan Simpson (29:57.441)
That's a good one.
Ernie Reilly (29:57.972)
Awesome. Yes, definitely. One thing I throw out, there's so many great, great techniques, great tools, great things that you can do. One of the things that I might suggest is making sure that you check in. I think I might have mentioned that in our last podcast, that you're checking in regularly and you can do that as a family. You can do it at dinnertime or bedtime. Have everyone, kids included, Maybe on a one to 10 scale or one to five scale.
How stressed are you? Or how excited are you? how are you feeling? 10 being this, 1 being this. And so you're checking in. Maybe 1 is calm and happy, and 10 is about to lose it, or something like that. Or you could use colors.
Ryan Simpson (30:43.988)
Hmm.
Ernie Reilly (30:46.446)
You might use red or, know, as, ah, about to lose it or something like that. And you might use, I don't know, a calm blue or yellow or something like that as a really calm color. So you can use colors as well. Then ask maybe a follow-up question or two. What would help you move that down a level? Or a better one level? Or what would it look like if it was a whole lot better? What is something we could do to get there?
Ryan Simpson (31:06.113)
Mm.
Ernie Reilly (31:15.606)
And those are great. Lots of good data that can come from that. bedtime check-ins, I don't know. You probably, Ryan, I know Michelle, you've had that with your children, right? That's gold time. That nighttime time. Unless you have a child that has a lot of nighttime issues, but oftentimes that's a beautiful time to really check in and get all this great data. Great time.
Ryan Simpson (31:19.254)
Yeah.
Michelle (31:27.877)
my, wonderful. beautiful.
Michelle (31:40.768)
Ah, great time. Memories, aren't they? Right? You know, I'm an empty nester now and ah, even hearing you say that, good stuff. Memories with my kiddos. You're building memories, Ryan, with your family right now. would have a lot of pain.
Ryan Simpson (31:40.853)
That's great.
Ryan Simpson (31:50.85)
Yeah, it's it's Yeah, we definitely feel that especially with the three year old it's starting to look like the magic is starting to hit so I know we're entering that really really fun season with her. Okay, so we're just about at time. And I want to wrap this up. So can each of you give me one takeaway if if there could just be one thing that a family
Michelle (32:03.722)
Beautiful.
Ryan Simpson (32:16.126)
Some parents perhaps listening to this episode could leave the episode with what would you want that to be? Michelle, can you start?
Michelle (32:23.872)
Sure, sure. I think I'd really want them to leave looking forward to family, looking forward to understanding their yeses and nos, and making them with intention with each one of their family members in mind, including themselves. Just walk out, walk with your yeses, walk with your nos, feel comfortable with it. And when you don't feel comfortable, that's okay. You know, keep going anyway, and you're just doing the best you can.
Ernie Reilly (32:52.39)
And I might add, so that I kind of mentioned it already, but if there's one thing I might say to take away, we are so preoccupied with doing more and more and more and needing more and more and more.
Oftentimes the secret is actually the opposite. The secret is doing less. The secret is needing less. The secret is not having all that pressure to have everything be perfect. Certainly be intentional. We're not talking about neglecting things or anything like that. So do, but realize you can do less and have more.
Oftentimes that holiday stress really comes down to trying to do so much that you don't really need to do. If you go to the counter with a bunch of items and you've got more items than you have money, you might have too many items, right? Metaphorically, right? Or literally. So, you know, in life, a lot of times we're trying to do too much when a lot less would really be a lot nicer.
Ryan Simpson (33:46.048)
Mm-hmm.
Ernie Reilly (33:58.115)
I have a friend who's a graphic designer and he said the empty space is as important as the space where there's stuff on the business card or on the item. That empty space, that ability to breathe, that ability to relax, that ability to enjoy, just a rest, peace. We're so overstressed, sometimes less is more.
Ryan Simpson (34:11.361)
Mm-mm.
Ryan Simpson (34:20.351)
Yeah, we are as humans designed to rest. We are designed for it. We require it. And I know that because I feel it when I don't. And then I feel it when I do. And the difference is just it's glaringly obvious. So we have to and baking that into the holiday season, I think would be really sweet. So thank you so much. This was fantastic. So many good takeaways. Thanks for bringing it down to one. I need to talk to our listeners real quick.
Ernie Reilly (34:31.224)
Yes.
Ryan Simpson (34:49.557)
I just want to say thank you for joining us for part two of healthy holiday habits. I hope you enjoyed this little mini series that we did. If you want guidance or support navigating this season as a family, you can visit us at counselingcorner.net or schedule with Dr. Reddy or Michelle by giving us a call and bringing your family and they'd love to meet you. They'd love to walk through the holiday season and celebrate it with you. We hope this has been helpful, though, and we hope that you have a very Merry Christmas, a happy holiday, a happy New Year.
And that you have a household that is full of peace and joy and hope at the end of this year and the beginning of next. If you enjoyed this podcast, please remember to subscribe on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you have your podcast and share this episode with a family or your partner or anybody that could use some peace this holiday season. But that is all we have for today. So thank you, Dr. Ernie. Thank you, Michelle. It was good to see you and I will talk to you soon.
Ernie Reilly (35:43.906)
Thank you, Ryan. Thank you, Michelle.
Michelle (35:44.064)
Thank you. Yes, thank you guys.
Ryan Simpson (35:46.887)
All right, see you soon.