ADHD in Real Life: Helping Kids Focus, Thrive, and Feel Understood
Show Notes:
In this episode of Real Life Counseling by The Counseling Corner, host Ryan Simpson and Dr. Ernie Reilly, LCSW are joined by child and play therapists Amanda Riendeau, LCSW and Andreina Bello, LMHC to explore the truth about ADHD—what it really is, how it affects kids differently, and what parents can do to support their children.
Dr. Ernie explains ADHD as a “high-performance sports car with low-performance brakes,” describing how brain chemistry—especially dopamine processing and prefrontal cortex function—makes focus and regulation more difficult, not impossible. Amanda and Andreina share what ADHD looks like in real therapy rooms, highlighting differences in how it presents between boys and girls, and the emotional experiences of parents seeking help.
The conversation covers common myths about ADHD (from screen time to discipline and medication), offers insights into play therapy and family dynamics, and provides practical tools parents can use right away to build structure, connection, and confidence at home.
Listeners will come away encouraged—reminded that children with ADHD don’t have “broken brains,” but rather different brains that can thrive with understanding, support, and the right strategies.
Key Takeaways:
ADHD is a neurological difference, not a character flaw. It’s about brain wiring and dopamine processing—not laziness or lack of willpower.
Kids with ADHD can focus—just not consistently. They often hyperfocus on stimulating tasks but struggle with sustained attention on less engaging ones.
Girls with ADHD are often overlooked. They tend to present as inattentive, perfectionistic, or anxious rather than hyperactive, leading to underdiagnosis.
Parents often feel frustration, shame, and worry—but there is hope. Therapy helps families move from confusion to confidence.
Structure beats strictness. Clear routines, visual schedules, and predictable expectations support focus better than punishment.
Discipline means teaching, not punishing. Children need guidance and modeling to develop self-regulation skills.
Medication is not the only solution. The best outcomes come from therapy, skill-building, and—when necessary—medication used wisely.
Play therapy empowers kids. It gives children language for their emotions, builds self-esteem, and helps them develop coping strategies.
Celebrate small wins. Confidence grows through small successes and consistent encouragement.
Parental modeling matters. Children learn focus and emotional regulation by watching how parents manage their own.
Simple, consistent tools help. Try short “focus buddy” sessions, break tasks into steps, use timers, and praise effort over results.
Your child is not a problem to fix. They are a unique gift—one whose differences can become strengths with the right support.
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Transcript:
Ryan Simpson (01:27.514)
Welcome to Real Life Counseling, a podcast by the Counseling Corner. I'm Ryan, joined by Dr. Ernie Reilly licensed clinical social worker and founder of the Counseling Corner. Today, we are unpacking one of the most talked about topics in child counseling, ADHD. We'll explore what it really is, how it shows up differently in kids, and what parents can do to help children feel capable, confident, and understood.
I'd also like to welcome back two of our amazing child and play therapists, Amanda Riendeau licensed clinical social worker, and Andreina Bello licensed mental health counselor. Let's jump right in. Does that sound okay?
Andreina Bello (02:05.727)
Yes.
Ryan Simpson (02:06.364)
All right, perfect. All right, so I just want to set the stage and really lay out, because I feel like there is a lot of information out there about ADHD with a lot of people and a lot of opinions. So I really want to figure out what ADHD is and what it isn't. So my first question is actually to Dr. Ernie. When parents hear ADHD, I feel like they often think of hyper kids who can't sit still.
Ernie Reilly (02:06.414)
Sounds great, right?
Ryan Simpson (02:36.496)
But from a clinical perspective, can you maybe ground us on what's actually happening in the brain for a child who might be working through ADHD?
Ernie Reilly (02:47.256)
Sure, sure. Thanks for asking, Ryan. I oftentimes say that kids with ADHD, they're like high-performance sports cars with low-performance brakes. Imagine like a Ferrari or a Lamborghini with bicycle brakes. Lots of fast, but lots of crash. So kids with ADHD, they've got amazing brains. Lots, lots of speed up there.
It's just the braking system doesn't work that well. What's really happening is that prefrontal cortex, which we've talked about in other podcasts, other episodes, the prefrontal cortex really is just underpowered. It's just not working as strong as it should. And the prefrontal cortex is like the thinking boss or the CEO, right? Or maybe you could, in this case, think of it kind of like an air traffic controller.
Imagine an air traffic controller who's just kind of dozing off, they're overworked, and they're just not, you're going to see lots of things possibly crash, lots of things not go so well. That CEO or air traffic controller is responsible for deciding what to focus on, filter out distractions, hold instructions, that working memory, put on the brakes.
Sustain mental focus help us to have sustained mental focus So that if that CEO isn't working so well, right is overworked tired Just not functioning as well that that kid is not going to be able to focus nearly as well So in the ADHD kid, that's that's a big struggle that they're having that Prefrontal cortex is kind of underpowered or or inconsistent. Maybe is another way of putting that
Wow. So it's not that they won't focus, right? Kids with ADHD can focus. It's just that it's harder. It's like the spotlight. It's harder to get the spotlight where it needs to and then stay there. It keeps kind of drifting off to other things. And sometimes the reason it drifts is because dopamine is in process quite the same with a child with ADHD. So dopamine helps us stay attentive.
Ryan Simpson (04:59.1)
Hmm, this is kinda creeping.
Ernie Reilly (05:14.675)
And so if it's not processing correctly, the child will end up shifting. And it's sort of like the shifter or the channel changer keeps shifting to the immediate, the exciting, the urgent, or really meaningful things. The things that produce high levels of dopamine, it'll keep shifting to those things.
Ryan Simpson (05:34.524)
when I was getting that dopamine hit.
Ryan Simpson (05:40.742)
Got it.
Ernie Reilly (05:43.543)
rather than the things that require sustained mental focus, the things that are boring, the things that are long, the things that are really difficult to stay for all of us. It's difficult for all of us, but with a kid with ADHD, their brains are just functioning different. So they're just having more of a struggle. So if they're having a lot of that, that's even harder. If they're having a little bit of that, it's harder.
but it's not quite as hard as the kids that have got a really severe case of ADHD. So that kind of explains a little bit of the science. It's not that kids can't focus, they can. And in fact, with kids with ADHD, sometimes kids will say, I have ADHD so I can't focus. I'll say, no, you have ADHD, it's just harder for you to focus. And we just gotta work harder at it. But for parents, I do let them know it is harder. So you can't expect it to be just as easy.
Some parents know that because they have ADHD themselves. A lot of kids who have ADHD have parents who have ADHD. So it's not a kid isn't able to focus. They are, it's just harder. And it's not a kid choosing not to focus. Although sometimes they are, but you know, just like anybody. But it is that it's actually harder for them. Hope that helps a little bit with the science part.
Ryan Simpson (06:42.726)
Hmm.
Ryan Simpson (07:08.592)
Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense because I think anybody could could feel like, yeah, I have trouble focusing, especially when it's like long term or this is a really boring or mundane task, but it is physically more difficult because of the anatomy of the brain.
Ernie Reilly (07:24.674)
Yeah, say all the time that they can't have ADHD. They focus when they play video games. Yeah, but video games are all about dopamine. They're extremely fast. Put them maybe in a slow moving golf video game, they're probably going to struggle more. Put them in a fast moving, lots of pixelated stuff going on, and they're going to be able to focus easier.
Ryan Simpson (07:34.842)
No.
Ernie Reilly (07:54.307)
Just like anyone can, but certainly a kid with ADHD can, their brains move super fast. Again, high performance sports car, low performance brakes.
Ryan Simpson (08:04.956)
Yeah, so they're probably really good at those types of things as well, just because of the way that the brain is. So of course they're going to more of it. It makes a lot of sense. OK, my next question is for Andrina. Now that we kind of have a baseline of what ADHD is and what's happening up here in your sessions when you're meeting a child, maybe even for the first time, what are the first signs that
Ernie Reilly (08:10.179)
Yeah.
Ryan Simpson (08:30.65)
that might suggest or might make you think that ADHD could be on the table for this child.
Andreina Bello (08:37.112)
Okay, when I first meet with the client, with the child, I start noticing maybe like difficulty with the transitioning from one activity to the other, maybe like wanting to be hyper-focused on one thing only and then having trouble kind of redirecting towards a different game or maybe getting bored really easily.
I notice a lot that, you know, sometimes it seems like the child is not present, like when I'm playing with my client and he's maybe not having trouble, you know, following directions or not maybe getting the game, but it's not because of trouble, you know, understanding, but it's just not being fully present in the game, invested. This alone doesn't mean that the child might have ADHD.
But if it's a pattern that repeats itself, you know, maybe like in school and at home, and I notice like, you know, by the third session, it continues to be a struggle, then there might be some ADHD symptoms, related symptoms there.
Ryan Simpson (09:53.212)
Got it, okay. Amanda, I'm curious as you're seeing things like this in your sessions, do they show up differently for boys versus girls?
Amanda Riendeau (10:05.288)
Yes, not all of the time, but there is plenty of research out there that will kind of show you and often when I have kiddos come in related to ADHD, I do typically see boys more than girls. Not that boys are inherently more likely to have ADHD per se, but it presents more physically.
So when we think about ADHD, there used to be two categories that people kind of understand. ADHD, meaning Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, and what used to be called ADD, which was just the Attention Deficit Disorder minus the hyperactivity. Now it's all under one umbrella. But essentially what you're getting is the two pieces, the hyperactive or the inattentive.
And then there's a combination of both, which is very common. Girls are more likely to present with the inattentive pieces than the hyperactive. So when we're talking about girls, we might not see that they're disruptive in the classroom. We might not see that they can't sit still or they're having trouble focusing. What we might see is the opposite. We're going to see perfectionism. We're going to see they're seeking
validation in what they're doing and that positive reinforcement. Am I doing this okay? Is this enough? Not wanting to upset other people. We might see the daydreaming happening in the classroom, but they're still able to keep up. And so we're missing some girls with ADHD because they're not all running out of their seats or, you know, jumping to answer a question before they raise their hand.
or getting into emotional spats with their peers or their siblings. Girls are kind of missed because they're more quiet with it. I call it the more internal side of ADHD and girls are taught that we have to present a certain way to the outside world and we're calm and we're polite and we're meaningful and purposeful with what we do. Where boys, we kind of expect them to be gruff and
Ryan Simpson (12:13.894)
Mm-hmm.
Amanda Riendeau (12:25.13)
kind of everywhere. And so those roles get played out in what we see with ADHD.
Ryan Simpson (12:31.388)
So I'm curious, how do you then, what are you looking for in a session with a girl to say, there might be some ADHD here, how do you catch it?
Amanda Riendeau (12:41.866)
So when we're looking at inattentive type of ADHD, and boys can have inattentive too. It's not right exclusively male is hyperactive and inattentive is female. But we might look at they were doing really well in school until a certain point. We might see where they're saying, I'm forgetting a lot or I'm suddenly really struggling with this particular thing or.
They're not doing some of the same social experiences that maybe other girls in their age group might be doing, right? So they're going out and doing sleepovers or they're jumping into every club and activity at school. They may be more internal. And sometimes we mix that up a little bit with anxiety or social struggles when there might be something else going on. There's also other pieces of impulsive decisions.
I can't do this math problem, so I'm just not going to do my math homework at all. There's still some of the impulsive behaviors that are more matched with hyperactivity that may show up in girls on that inattentive spectrum side of ADHD.
Ryan Simpson (13:57.722)
Interesting. Okay. So I know we probably have parents or probably our main listeners, at least on this topic. So, Audrey and I, I'm curious to hear from you. What kinds of emotions do parents typically bring in to the first session? Are you meeting with frustrated parents? Are they feeling hopeless? I'm wondering if they're going to be able to maybe relate to what you are seeing from.
even clients that you've seen recently.
Andreina Bello (14:30.673)
Yeah, it's always a mix of emotions. know, the first one is worry because they think that there's something that might be wrong with the child. Another one, yes, it's frustration. They feel like normally when parents come to therapy it's because they've tried everything and nothing has worked, all kinds of strategies. So, yes, they're frustrated.
Ryan Simpson (14:53.531)
Mm-hmm.
Andreina Bello (15:00.029)
Another thing that they might be going through is like shame, feelings of shame, because maybe they've been judged by family members or other friends that they think you can't control your child or you can't have your child to behave. So I meet with quite a bit of defensive parents that
You know, they might feel judged. yeah, it's a, but a lot of the times, you know, I mostly see hope. They're still, you know, they still feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel and with the right support, the right guidance, they're still open to receiving tools and help. So, so yes, those are the emotions.
Ryan Simpson (15:42.524)
Mm-hmm.
Ryan Simpson (15:53.884)
I'm glad to hear that and I think it's, I'm hoping that that's somewhat a symptom of the fact that ADHD I feel like has been less and less stigmatized and the treatment and care for it has become less and less stigmatized over probably even like the last decade where the neurotypical neurodivergent, I hear language like that all the time now. Yeah, and I even like, I'm having conversations like that with some of my friends who have three year olds.
Andreina Bello (16:06.462)
Mm-hmm.
Andreina Bello (16:17.693)
All the time, yes.
Ryan Simpson (16:23.622)
that they're worried about. I'm glad to hear that parents are coming in with hope and not just, I guess I just have one of those kids. I don't hear that anymore. And I'm glad to hear that you don't either, because I don't think that is even a thing. These kids have Ferrari brains. They just need to learn how to drive. segment, I want to move on to our next segment.
Andreina Bello (16:34.213)
No.
Ryan Simpson (16:52.068)
And we are on episode 10 and we just kind of have this theme that has happened over our podcast life so far where we have been busting myths because we think that there are a lot of myths associated with therapy and counseling in general. And so we want to be intentional about it and we're going to have a mini myth busting session here. So I'm going to give you a comment that I've hear or seen a lot and you can tell me if there is.
any meaning to it or if it's a pure myth and you want to correct it. That's that. Does that sound good?
Ernie Reilly (17:26.486)
Yep, we're ready. Let's do it.
Ryan Simpson (17:27.612)
All right. All right. Number one ADHD is caused by too much screen time.
Andreina Bello (17:27.995)
you
Amanda Riendeau (17:35.519)
Hmm. That one's a myth. Now, and I say that because it's not caused by screen time. Now, is there an association with ADHD and lots of screen time? Maybe. And then we bring that up because Dr. Ernie mentioned that dopamine hit, right? And there's so much stuff for kids to get into YouTube and video games and music and
Ryan Simpson (17:39.226)
Okay.
Amanda Riendeau (18:02.496)
creating and all of these things that they have right at their fingertips. But ADHD is not caused by those things, but they are kind of associated because it does reinforce some of what they're looking for and what they're needing in their little brains to feel connected to their.
Ryan Simpson (18:22.982)
So I'm actually curious.
Ernie Reilly (18:23.47)
Yeah, one quick thought on that. A while ago, you remember this show, SpongeBob?
Ryan Simpson (18:30.846)
yeah, of course.
Amanda Riendeau (18:31.104)
You
Ernie Reilly (18:31.82)
Yeah, SpongeBob SquarePants, they actually did a study where they tested sustained mental focus after watching SpongeBob. And even after just watching six minutes, or I think it was six or eight minutes or something, of watching SpongeBob, your average kid's focus did go down. So, screen time is impacting all of us. But like Amanda's saying, it's not causing ADHD, it's just you already got a kid that's struggling. Screen time is gonna make it harder.
Ryan Simpson (19:01.496)
It's fuel on embers is what it sounds like. So I'm curious Amanda as I mean these these companies are building these tools addictive by nature. Like that's the strategy and the success of the business model. So what are some tips maybe that you've given to parents to help because we can't avoid them right. They've successfully embedded themselves into our everyday lives.
Everybody has one in their pocket. So are there tips maybe that you consistently end up relying on to help ADHD kids and their parents manage screen time in a healthy way?
Amanda Riendeau (19:44.001)
I wouldn't say it's necessarily specific to screen time, but just in general, some of those very stimulating activities. Right now, I highly encourage all kids to be creative, involved in sports, do things with peer groups, right? That might be clubs or mentoring programs or anything where they're getting their little brains active, busy and stimulated.
Ryan Simpson (19:48.379)
Okay.
Amanda Riendeau (20:11.998)
but like with screen time, like with chores. And I imagine this is something that will probably touch base as we go along in the podcast today of the importance of recognizing some of the developmental aspects that come with ADHD and kiddos in general, right? For context, if your kid is six years old, okay, their attention span may...
at peak performance be somewhere between four and five minutes. Then we tack on an ADHD brain, which is wired a little differently, has a little bit more of that kind of, know, like Ernie was saying, really fast car with maybe not so good brakes. That attention span is almost cut in half. So if we're expecting a five, six year old to maintain attention for more than five minutes,
They're gone maybe three minutes in, and that could be asking a lot. So managing things in time blocks, having consistent schedules, having an expectation laid out for them so that they know what to expect is kind of what I'm looking like. So screen time is OK in moderation, right? And let's make sure that what they're doing is also age appropriate and all the other things that come with that.
Ryan Simpson (21:12.764)
I know.
Ryan Simpson (21:34.288)
Okay.
Amanda Riendeau (21:39.745)
You can build it into their routine, but it needs to be in an appropriate amount of time. We don't want to just hand them a tablet and let them go to town the whole weekend, right? That happens. But then when it comes Monday, we're going to be fighting with that kid to get ready for school because he just spent the last two days on a tablet watching YouTube videos.
Ryan Simpson (21:53.244)
Mm-hmm.
Ryan Simpson (22:02.33)
Yeah, we could probably do a whole episode on this topic. think there's so much great research out there. just Ernie, you're coming about SpongeBob got me thinking, right? We've got little kids there onto the little kids show time and Cocoa Melon was the talk of my little group for a long time, like a year or two ago.
Amanda Riendeau (22:09.6)
Yeah.
Ernie Reilly (22:28.366)
you
Ryan Simpson (22:30.448)
because the research started coming out that they were purposefully changing the frame and image right as the dopamine spike ended in the kids. And so they would hit a new one and they knew exactly when to change the frame and exactly which colors to use to change to. And it was like, was actually engineered that way. It was an engineered show for addiction of kids as early as two. And so there's been this...
rebirth of 90s era cartoons for toddlers because it's actually like stabilizing them and I just thought it was so fascinating and I want to make sure people knew that that that's what Coco Mellon and shows like new shows like that are doing and you can find all those old shows like Barney even Thomas the Tank Engine the kids love them just as much they're all on YouTube and they're all free you don't even need a subscription
Andreina Bello (23:19.708)
Thank
Ryan Simpson (23:25.008)
So if you're looking for an alternative and you see that in your kids, maybe check that out. OK, sorry. Commercial break over. Myth number two. Kids with ADHD. man, I've heard this one forever. Kids with ADHD just need more discipline.
Ernie Reilly (23:31.756)
Great idea.
Andreina Bello (23:47.291)
That is one of like the biggest misconceptions, know, that kids with ADHD, you know, they just need more discipline. Actually, you know, no kid wants to misbehave, you know, like kids want to be accepted, they want to be liked. They actually internalize the role of, you know, the bad kid and they will tell you, I'm a bad kid.
So you can have the most calm parent, the one that has read all the books, one seasoned parent, and you still have a child that struggles with attention and impulsivity and self-regulation because it's actually a neurological disorder. So it's hard for children to filter all the distractions.
You know, so that's a big one.
Ryan Simpson (24:52.7)
Can you help us understand the role of discipline in the kids' lives as they learn how to live with ADHD? Because they can't live a discipline-free life, right? So how does it fit healthily into a treatment or a life plan structure?
Andreina Bello (25:09.806)
Right, well I approach it more as like structure. Kids, you know, it's fairly known that, you know, kids need structure more so than discipline because, you know, maybe discipline, yeah, discipline as well, but, you know, it can be seen in a negative connotation, you know. You would have to define what discipline is. So children, you know, with structure you, you,
Ryan Simpson (25:13.253)
Okay.
Andreina Bello (25:38.33)
you can maybe show them more visual, maybe like a schedule, maybe like a behavior chart. Like I mentioned in the last podcast, you know, I work with a lot of behavior charts. And so, yeah, those are the things that you can do to maybe teach more discipline, redirection, yeah, mirroring your own behavior.
Ryan Simpson (25:54.012)
Mm.
Ernie Reilly (26:07.596)
Ryan, one way to think about discipline is just discipline is intended to teach. It's a teaching technique. So you're trying to teach using discipline. It's just one way of teaching, though. And you definitely don't want to be trying to teach a kid in a wheelchair how to run up a flight of stairs. They can't run up a flight of stairs. So why are going to discipline that issue? You want to discipline the areas that make sense.
Andreina Bello (26:15.695)
died.
Ryan Simpson (26:30.193)
Mm-hmm.
Ernie Reilly (26:37.282)
to discipline and not discipline the areas that make no sense because the whole goal is to teach. You're trying to teach this kid how to do better in these particular areas. Every kid needs discipline, but they need it wise discipline. And as Andreina was saying, structure, right? Mechanisms in place, trying to help the kids stay focused by using rewards and things of that sort to help the child.
Those are probably even more important and more ones that you're going to lean on even more with ADHD.
Ryan Simpson (27:17.03)
Yeah. Okay, great. Thank you for unpacking that for us. I'm sure we could probably have a follow up on that one as well. All right, next myth. They'll grow out of it eventually. It's just a phase.
Amanda Riendeau (27:33.867)
there was a train of thought when that was in fact believed that has now been proven to be false. ADHD is one of the things that I spend a lot of time in. That's where a lot of my clients are. And I will say now I may even have more adults than children that are diagnosed with ADHD. Arnie mentioned it earlier that
What's often happening is kids are being brought in and being diagnosed with ADHD and then we're realizing, right? Parents of ADHD kiddos often also have ADHD. Not guaranteed, but it's likely. And so we're actually running into where it's happening where we're diagnosing the kiddo and the adult parent is also being diagnosed very near the same amount of time when they didn't realize they had it.
Or they had the mind, oh, I was treated as a kid, and then they told me, oh, suddenly I turn 18 and the ADHD light switch turns off. That makes no sense. That doesn't happen. What's happening, actually, is as we're getting older, we are learning some of what I call the M's. We're learning some mindfulness. We're learning some management. And we're learning some masking.
Ryan Simpson (28:32.06)
Amanda Riendeau (29:01.024)
Um, so those behaviors, we're we're just adapt, right? We're learning to navigate the space that we have and the brain that we have to work with it in. And so it doesn't go away. It just, we adapt and we work with what we have. Um, and so do some of the things, some of the symptoms, maybe impulsivity or, um, some of the shame and the guilt and the feelings of
Ryan Simpson (29:07.086)
Mm-hmm.
Amanda Riendeau (29:28.872)
rejection and disappointment. Do we learn how to manage those better? Maybe. Do we overcompensate those or masking skills that people develop? And there's actually a whole assessment for adult ADHD related to masking and how we've developed these coping skills to manage the ADHD symptoms that we have as adults that we have to kind of manage in order to keep functioning as an adult.
make it in the workforce and in our family and at home and all these spaces. So now you don't grow out of it, you just learn how to manage it.
Ryan Simpson (30:07.768)
Interesting. Okay, I'm so glad we did this segment because I've got three follow-up episodes already planned in my brain. All right, last one. Medication is the only real solution.
Amanda Riendeau (30:15.712)
you
Ernie Reilly (30:15.982)
Thank
Ernie Reilly (30:26.146)
Yeah, I'll jump in and handle that one. I would say, first of all, that's absolutely false. It's not the only real solution. There are many, many solutions. Let me jump back a little bit to what Amanda was saying. Oftentimes, also what adults will do is they'll choose their careers and structure their life around things. Like you're going to see less accountants unless they have ADHD medication or something like that. You're probably going to see less accountants with ADHD.
because sustained mental focus is a big deal with accounting. Maybe less surgeons, more businessmen, salesmen, entertainers, right? Where that high energy and that fast pace, fast brain, less breaks needed, more crash allowed. You don't want your surgeon crashing and you don't want your accountant crashing, but you don't mind an entertainer or a salesman being a little bit more.
Ryan Simpson (31:10.38)
you know.
Ernie Reilly (31:25.198)
high energy. So medication can help with those. So if someone has medication, it may be that they could go into some of those fields because the medication help them put on the brakes. Medication is kind of like brake fluid. It just helps those brakes work better. You're still going to need to do driving instructions. You don't want to lose that fast brain. You want the fast brain. You just want
the breaks to work better. So I tend to have a bias against medication. I'd rather not use medication unless we absolutely need it, not just with ADHD, but pretty much with anything, with myself, with my kids. It's up to a parent as to what approach they want to take, but I find most parents tend to not want to use medication unless they absolutely need it. However, with severe ADHD or some moderate ADHD,
Medication really can be quite a blessing. It really can be a life changer. When you don't need it, you definitely don't want to do it and use skills. You can learn all sorts of skills, understanding how your brain works, being able to work around that, work through that, develop the different abilities. That really is the better, better way to do it. And then if you also need medication, great, you can add that. You definitely want to do.
Ryan Simpson (32:25.596)
Hmm.
Ernie Reilly (32:50.998)
In fact, research shows us that medication alone is not nearly as effective as therapy plus medication. Therapy is quite effective and therapy plus medication is very effective with ADHD.
Ryan Simpson (33:01.136)
Interesting.
Ryan Simpson (33:08.42)
I love that because it's not a broken brain. It's just a brain that works differently and has different, it has different strengths and different skills the same way ever. All of us have different strengths and skills and you know, if we can learn to use our strengths to our advantage and, and work around the weaknesses that we can exist and succeed just like anyone else. So I love, I love that perspective. That's very helpful. So thank you. All right. I want to, I really appreciated.
Ernie Reilly (33:13.804)
Yes, sir.
Ernie Reilly (33:30.507)
Absolutely.
Ryan Simpson (33:37.86)
the insight and the view into a play therapy session, because I think that's a new topic maybe for a lot of people. So I want to that again, hear from you what that is like, but specifically for clients with ADHD. So Amanda, obviously, without sharing details for client anonymity, can you describe what a play therapy session looks like for one of your clients who is working through ADHD? What's going on?
in the room and are you reading it are you guiding it just maybe let's pretend we're sitting there with you.
Amanda Riendeau (34:14.942)
Well, and funny enough, you guys are, you know, sitting in is actually something that I built in a little bit more into sessions when I'm working with kids with ADHD and bringing the parents in, right? Because a lot of times the kiddos are not going to be able to implement everything that we might be looking at to add those extra support pieces in. Parents are really going to be in charge of some of those things, right? Setting our schedules and
setting expectations and modeling the type of responses that we want to see and practicing coping skills when we're feeling incredibly dysregulated or overwhelmed. But a play therapy session for ADHD really doesn't look a whole lot different than some of my other sessions with kids might be. The first session is gonna look like I kinda let them scope out the space, get a feel for what I.
they don't like. This is like when we're usually playing like 20 questions, what's your favorite food? What don't you want to eat? If you know, mom gave you the front of the house, what time would you go to bed? You know, those kinds of things to get them comfortable with the space and to get comfortable about talking about things that maybe they don't typically share. But then we talk about transitioning and using their play because we talked about it on the last episode.
how kids play out how they're feeling and the thoughts that they're having or the experiences that they're going through. So we really use that a lot to navigate the space to figure out how do they feel when mom is saying, I know you can do better than this under spelling purse. If you just put in that little bit more to her. I don't understand how you can spend so much time playing video games, but you can't seem to remember to take the trash out. Or you're always, you know, picking fights with your
Whatever the case may be. Those kids are feeling some way about that. I can't remember the specific percentage, but it was something absurd, like 150 times. The kids with ADHD will hear some of those negative things from family members, parents, siblings, teachers. Oh, I know that you can do better than what you're doing. This is disappointing. I hear that 150 times more than a non-ADHD brain.
Ryan Simpson (36:38.94)
Hmm.
Amanda Riendeau (36:39.612)
over the lifespan and think about how they're internalizing some of those things. So we use play to really get down to how they feel about how their brain is wired differently and how it's benefiting them in some spaces and how it's not so that I can figure out ways that they will be willing and able to implement into their space. A five year old can tell me, yeah, I'm not going to remember that. I'm definitely going to need mom's help.
They can tell me that the same way as a 16 year old can say, you know what, I really need alarms on my phone to help me remember that when I get home, I'm going to have to have, you know, an alarm that says I'm home 10 minutes to have a snack and to decompress an alarm that goes off 10 minutes later to tell me to start.
Ernie Reilly (37:10.734)
you
Amanda Riendeau (37:30.122)
Five year olds can tell me those things too. Might sound a little different, might not be particularly coherent in how that all matches, but I let them drive for the most part so that when I need to take a step and kind of steer the car a little bit, they're comfortable with allowing me to do that and willing to let me do that so that they're in control of what their life is going to look like. The kiddos are the ones that are going to have to live with it.
They're gonna have to learn how to manage this and help them learn the skills so that they can make this work to their best benefit. Not me, not mom, not teacher. They are. So I let them be in control as much as it's appropriate in those.
Ryan Simpson (38:17.296)
That's great. So I want to double click though into one thing you said, cause it just kind of caught my attention and my heart. Andreina, how do you help a child who feels frustrated by, by their energy and is hearing those negative comments a lot, about their attention span or just kind of their performance? How do you help them find confidence again?
Andreina Bello (38:44.326)
Like you mentioned before, I start by telling them that their brain is not broken, that their brain isn't bad. It just works differently. They learn differently. I focus on their strengths. I normally, during my therapy sessions, we work on small wins.
The idea is to make them feel capable again, because somewhere along the line, they feel like maybe they're a failure or like their challenges are personal failures, when in reality, it's just a way that they're just learning how to live life. struggling with self-regulation. so when it comes to strengths, I focus on like, OK, let's see what
your qualities are, curiosity, your energy, things that are normally labeled as negative, or you're too nosy, or you're too hyper. So they internalize this as bad, when in reality it can be, like many people say, superpower, like these traits. So yeah, that's how it is.
Ryan Simpson (39:51.418)
No.
Ryan Simpson (40:06.972)
I love that. Yeah. It's hypercharged, right? And so it can really be a superpower that I've got an adult friend who probably he says is a HD is undiagnosed, but it's pretty obvious. But he gets so focused on something new that he really enjoys. And he just gets insanely good at it in a weekend, maybe two weeks.
Andreina Bello (40:24.173)
you
Ryan Simpson (40:36.794)
And he'll be the best one at it in our group of something that we all do that he has never done before. And then eventually a month or two later, he'll lose interest and move on and find a new thing and get become the best at that. It's incredible how quickly he can just context shift and then be excellent. And it's so clear that that brain is just working on a whole different level. So I'm curious, though, Dr. Ernie, when you are treating ADHD,
in kids. What's the larger goal? Are you going specifically for behavior changes? Is it more the self-understanding side? Is it a mixture of both? What's your approach? What's your hope?
Ernie Reilly (41:21.198)
Yeah, it's kind of a little bit of a tricky question in the sense that good ADHD treatment isn't just behavior change or self understanding. It's both. So it's both of those things. Plus, the third thing, skill building in a brain friendly environment. So as kids feel more competent, they feel more confident, right? They develop more competencies.
they become more confident. And as they understand themselves better and their environment understands them better, then they just blossom. When I use that Ferrari brain metaphor, when I use that when a kid comes in, they're coming in usually kind of slumped down a little. They're hyper and everything, but they're a little bit not feeling, you can see it. You can see they're not feeling that great about themselves. Cause if they're coming in, there's probably a decent amount of stuff going on.
So when I help them see that they've got a super high powered brain, they're just like, whoa, someone's saying something great about me? Low power breaks, right? So we talk about that piece too. And now we've got to work on how do you manage that? So there's really a whole bunch of self understanding and there's a whole bunch of skill building. And then we're working on the behavior change in the sense that we want emotional regulation.
Ryan Simpson (42:25.468)
Mm-hmm.
Ernie Reilly (42:47.884)
We want a kid to be able to do these things in life so that they can get along well with other kids, so they can maintain themselves in classrooms. Keep in mind that classrooms were not really set up. They weren't designed for kids with ADHD, especially the hyperactive kid with ADHD. They weren't designed. They'd be better off on a ranch, a dude ranch, or someplace where they can do lots of stuff and have lots of energy.
Ryan Simpson (43:04.411)
Yeah.
Ernie Reilly (43:17.026)
but we're asking him to sit in a classroom, sit quiet like a church mouse, right, and just do your work. That's really hard for any kid, hard, especially hard for kids with ADHD.
Ryan Simpson (43:31.088)
Yeah, man that I get fired up about that So that's episode number five that we're gonna do follow up Okay All right. So in our next segment is gonna be parent question of the week a common question that I hear from parents or parents send in to us And I'd love to dig into this one because I've it a few times How do we know
Ernie Reilly (43:38.062)
Thank
Andreina Bello (43:39.001)
Thank
Ryan Simpson (43:58.916)
if our child actually has ADHD or is just distracted or energetic like most other kids. I've heard and even been asked that from some friends a few times already. So let's dig into this one a bit. Adrino, what should those parents be looking for in day-to-day behavior that can maybe help them differentiate between, this could be an ADHD thing or this is just a kid being a kid.
Andreina Bello (44:27.393)
Right. I just tell parents to look for patterns, not just moments, you know, because all kids get distracted. All kids have temper tantrums, you know, just the fact that a child is having difficulty with transitions doesn't mean he's automatically ADHD. So anything that disrupts dysfunction, that affects their functioning, if it's hap- and then I ask them to actually take note on like how often this is happening.
And if it's related to impulse control, self-regulation, to losing things all the time, forgetting things, and like I said, looking for the pattern and the frequency.
Ryan Simpson (45:13.124)
Okay. Is there Amanda specific patterns or context that you see in the therapy room that you know that maybe if a parent is playing with their child that they should be looking for?
Amanda Riendeau (45:30.752)
Well, I think from a clinical standpoint, right, we have this diagnostic criteria. We have this list of symptoms that also includes age requirements and timing and environments that are impacted, right? So for an ADHD diagnosis, we don't want to just see, this behavior only happens at home with our siblings, right?
We're not seeing any disruption with school. We're not seeing any impact on the sports field. We're not seeing any concerns in any other space. It's only happening at home with siblings, right? That could be just sibling rivalry. That could be there's some need not getting met and the kiddo doesn't know how to put that into words. If we're talking specifically about focus and we're going back and leaning back on the screen time thing.
I don't understand how we sit down to do our homework. Maybe we already have a schedule for what that looks like after school. And, you know, he's got five math problems. And by the first one, he's just off to the races, right? As soon as I turn my back, he's left the building and he's off doing something else. Again, we want to take into context how old is the kiddo, right? Are we expecting them to sit for 30 minutes unsupervised?
and sit down quietly and do a worksheet. That's not going to happen. They just did that for the last eight hours. No six year old is going to want to do that when they get home. The environment also plays a role. I'm not going to want to sit down and do five math problems when I know that my Barbie dream house is right in the next room. And I have been dying to play out this other thing that's been going on at school.
You know, we have to take some of those into consideration. It has to be in multiple environments to be clinical. And we have to have so many of those symptoms. And Audrina did a really good job of kind of talking about some of the patterns that we look like. Those patterns have to be in multiple spaces and significant enough that they're impacting life, not just making mom and dad uncomfortable, not just necessarily annoying the teacher. It has to be significant enough.
Amanda Riendeau (47:51.668)
to be causing disruption that leads to this is more than just annoying or I'm worried about this. This has to be disrupting to the point where we're saying, this could have some really negative consequences if we let all of this continue to go on for too much.
Ryan Simpson (48:08.878)
Okay, so as we go down this path, right, and we start moving toward and we start using terms like diagnosis, right, and assessment, Dr. Ernie, how should parents be approaching assessment without feeling like or even maybe accidentally putting a label on their child?
Ernie Reilly (48:29.39)
Yeah, good question. So it makes me think of that. You remember that movie, Lion King? Do remember Simba, right? And he wanders off and he ends up with Pumbaa and Timon, right? And do you remember they're eating grubs? They're eating the worms and the, you know, the stuff that they find under and he's like, ah, because he's not made to eat that. He's a lion.
Ryan Simpson (48:34.908)
Of course.
Ernie Reilly (48:57.462)
If you didn't know he's a lion, you wouldn't know. You think, let's make him eat the worms. But lions aren't made to eat worms. So we're not slapping a label, right? Or a sticker on a kid. What we're trying to do is figure out how they function best. We're trying to articulate and assess what this kid struggles with.
and what they do well in and how their brain works best. So if you didn't know that he's a lion, you're try to make him eat worms. If you know he's a lion, you set him up to eat what lions eat. So deep breaths and such, guess, whatever. So assessment isn't about what's wrong with my kid. It's about figuring out how my kid functions best.
Ryan Simpson (49:52.794)
Yeah, and what's best for my kid. Wonderful. Okay. Well, our next section, I'm calling therapy tools in 60 seconds. So for the parents who are on this road or think they might even be on this road, I want to try some stuff out with their kid. I'd love it if each of you could just share one practical tool the parents could try this week to help their child focus or self-regulate that maybe they haven't thought of before. So Amanda.
What's one thing families can start doing tonight?
Amanda Riendeau (50:27.071)
This might cover kind of all bases in emotional regulation and focus and attention in recognizing strengths and struggles. Because sometimes our strengths are in fact our struggles and our struggles are in fact our strengths. focusing our nightly conversation on acknowledging, hey, what's one thing that went well today? What's one thing that didn't go well?
What's something that happened today that made you feel really excited? And what's one thing that made you feel maybe disappointed today? And not just ask the kiddo, right? Because again, we're being age appropriate. Your six-year-old might not know quite what the answers are to those specific questions. But if he hears mom, share. Here's dad, share. Here's older brother, share. Here's grandma, share. Whoever's in the house also share those spaces.
We're one teaching them it's okay to talk about our feelings. Two, we're teaching them that it's okay that we maybe had a rough day or we had a rough patch during the day. And that doesn't always define the entire day. They're just moments in time. And so that's something that very easy can be implemented tonight and going forward. It's very similar to the identifying feelings that I talked about in the last
podcast that pretty much all of my families get as one of their first homework assignments because it gets the conversation started on these things are going well, these things are not, here's where I'm struggling, here's where I'm not, to help us better understand what's really happening in your kiddos head.
Ryan Simpson (52:14.748)
I love that. That's a great idea. I'm going to take that. We already do a little bit of that by accident in my household, but now we're going to do that even more on purpose. And episode six is going to be bringing back the dinner table. Andreina, what's a technique that you teach kids in sessions that parents maybe could mirror at home?
Andreina Bello (52:37.599)
Yes, I do this all the time basically and with parents. I break task into small doable steps and I tell the parents and like instead of telling them, know, clean your room and then to them it means putting everything under the bed and just making it look neat, know. Put away the trash, bring the plates back out.
into the kitchen, know, and making lists. I know it sounds simple, but normally, you know, because we're living busy lives, parents forget, you know, to sometimes take the moment and to teach their kids, you know, how to, how they want the kids to clean the room. Because in the parents' heads, you know, they have an idea of how their rooms should look like. But in the kids' head, you know, they're not reading.
their parents' So it's just being specific about instructions.
Ryan Simpson (53:44.188)
Clear expectations, I think is a theme with healthy relationships in general. All Dr. Ernie, how can parents model attention and follow through in their own behavior for these kids?
Andreina Bello (53:46.039)
Yes.
Ernie Reilly (53:56.077)
Yeah, great question, Ryan. So one of the things that you can think about is kids don't just do what we say or listen just to what we say. They listen and copy what we do. So if you think of your brain as maybe like a live demonstration show, maybe like a cooking show, a cooking show, they don't just show up with the cake and say it's done.
They show you how to make the cake or make the souffle or make whatever it is. They show you, like Andreina was talking about, they show you the steps. In addition to, as a parent, may also, kids don't necessarily do what you expect, they do what you inspect. So you need to kind of watch and help them. But one of the things as you're modeling, you can be showing them how to do it.
One of the things that I talk about is that kids usually see us when we have it all together, which is important for kids to see when we have it together. That is an important thing. They oftentimes also see us when we lose it. Right? We lost focus or we lost control, impulse control, right? We lose it. That's also, it's not why we do it, nor should it be why we do it, but it's also important for kids to see.
because then they get to see what you do after what you do, how you repair it, what you do. But for kids with ADHD, it's really, really important that they see this other piece, the kind of in between, when you could have lost it, but you didn't. What did you do? How did you do that? Because if they just see you when you have it together or see you when you lose it, having it together can feel like, I have no idea how you did that. Just watching someone do a cool
Ryan Simpson (55:45.116)
Hiya.
Ernie Reilly (55:47.993)
gymnastics move or an awesome move on a surfboard or skateboard and you're, I have no idea how that just happened. I don't even know how to start. But if someone breaks it down and they show you so that in between is here, I almost lost it. I was driving in traffic, someone cut me off. I almost lost control in my anger. But what I did is I turned on the radio. I listened to some music. I calm myself. I did this, this and this.
So if we could show kids, yes, show them when we got it together, show them when we lose it. And again, that's not our goal. We're not setting out to do that, but we show them what you do after what you do. And then show them when you could lose it or you're almost lost it or you're having trouble focusing what you did. So turn your brain sort of into a live demonstration show. That really can help kids. Sort of like that co-regulation that we talked about, you know, a couple of weeks ago.
You calm, they calm. You help them focus by you focusing and you showing them how to do it. And like Andreina said, you break that down into steps.
Ryan Simpson (56:50.107)
Yeah.
Ryan Simpson (56:59.484)
Those were great. And so I'm going to be trying to apply all of them. I'm sure our listeners as well. I'm wondering though from everybody I'm going to go around the table. I want you to just complete this this sentence. The one main thing I want the parent of a child with ADHD to leave this episode with is. So we've told I feel like we've covered a ton of ground in a very short amount of time. But
If there's one thing that this parent is going to walk away from their phone with, what would you like that to be? And Amanda, I'll start with you.
Amanda Riendeau (57:41.885)
the one thing I would want parents of a potentially ADHD kid to know is the statement I kind of made earlier, right? Sometimes what we think our weaknesses are in fact strengths. And sometimes our strengths are our weaknesses. And we have to help our kiddos figure that part out and be okay with all of it.
Ryan Simpson (58:12.902)
Great. I love that one. Okay, Andrina, you're next.
Ernie Reilly (58:14.19)
Good, good.
Andreina Bello (58:17.879)
I would tell a parent, you know, that their kids' challenges and struggles are not a reflection of their parenting, that they're, you know, they need tools and the right support and not shame. That's what I would tell.
Ryan Simpson (58:35.044)
Wonderful. All right, Dr. Ernie, bring it home.
Ernie Reilly (58:37.134)
Preach it. Alright. Yeah, so one of the things I would probably say is your child isn't a problem to fix. Your child is an amazing gift, right? High energy, wonderful kid. But their brain may work a little different than how you expect it to work or how another kid's brain might work. That's all. You just figure that out and help them.
just like you figure out any other strength or any other weakness or any other difference that we all have.
Ryan Simpson (59:10.54)
Alright, I love yeah, I think that's great and I'm I'm I'm encouraged for you know kids with with ADHD and their families I think this group is a fantastic resource for them. I hope they use you guys because I would I want to end our episode with a small challenge for any of those parents listening I'd love for us to if they want to build focus
Ernie Reilly (59:11.811)
Sound good?
Ryan Simpson (59:38.428)
for their child or build their child's confidence this week, what's one simple thing each of you would recommend they try at home? So this will be our parent challenge of the week. One simple thing you'd want a parent to try at home this week.
Amanda, why don't you start us off?
Amanda Riendeau (59:57.889)
there are so many. But I think if we go, let's think about some of the things, right? There's the attention focus and emotional regulation, right? So I would say spend five minutes talking with your kiddo and
Ryan Simpson (01:00:00.187)
I know.
Amanda Riendeau (01:00:24.98)
Give them an opportunity in that space to kind of make one choice, right? Give them an option. Do we have snack or do we, you know, have our five minutes or 10 minutes of downtime? Which one would you choose? Right? Now they're going to get both obviously at some point, but give them an opportunity to have a little bit of say in what that routine is going to start looking.
Ryan Simpson (01:00:54.928)
Great. Okay. That's a good one. I'm Jerena. You're next.
Andreina Bello (01:00:59.958)
I would probably, you know, suggest for them to maybe like set a timer and, you know, maybe go home, set the timer at home and clean the room with their child, you know, both and set some expectations as to how they would like the room to be cleaned for next time and maybe repeat that with other tasks.
Ryan Simpson (01:01:26.62)
That's a good one. Good patterns to build, even as a family. Alright Dr. Ernie, what's yours?
Ernie Reilly (01:01:33.955)
think I'll piggyback a little on Hondurinas and I'll kind of do two slightly different versions of something. One is just called like the 10 minute focus buddy. So you're sort of setting a timer and you're with the child while they do their tasks for 10 minutes and you just kind of sit there with them while they're doing it. You're not, you know, getting on them. You're just sort of being there as a support.
for them while they do some homework, or know, that piece, or cleaning the room a little, a section of the room maybe, or packing tomorrow's backpack, or something along that line. So you set the timer for 10 minutes, and then you kind of slowly, you know, just sit there with them, helping them stay on task, but you're not just sitting staring at them, and you're also not getting on them, and you're also not doing it for them.
You're just sort of there supporting them. So another version or slightly different version of that is if, let's say you had a kid, and I'm just going to say for simplicity's sake, let's say they had an hour's worth of homework to do. Let's say you figure out what your child's focus, my child can focus about 10 minutes. Let's just say that they can focus about 10 minutes for simplicity's sake. Younger kids, it's going to be much less and the homework time is going to be much less. But for simplicity, an hour and they can focus about 10 minutes.
Ryan Simpson (01:02:33.681)
Hmm.
Ernie Reilly (01:03:03.33)
Then do about 10 minutes while you're sitting with them and then have them take a two minute break. 10 minutes, two minute break, 10 minutes, two minute break, 10 minutes, two minute break, 10 minutes. And now you've got an hour. Two minutes is enough time for them to refocus, shake things off a little. You're not having them go and watch TV for two minutes. That makes no sense. Maybe go to the bathroom, maybe get a drink, shake it off.
Breathe, right? Okay, now let's do the next thing. And when they know they just have to do 10 minutes, they can do 10 minutes. We just have to do that five times. We're gonna get little breaks in between. And you're sitting there right next to them. So both of those are some techniques they could start tonight trying. And they can really help your child learn to accomplish these things and have them broken down into sections and know that they're supported, loved, cared for, understood.
So those can be some helpful things.
Ryan Simpson (01:04:01.776)
That timer technique is something I use. I didn't know that was a technique for this. I use that just in my day to day. And I found there's an entire genre of videos that have that timer built on YouTube that play background music. And they have a timer. It's for 10 minutes. And then there's a two minute break. And then in 10 minutes, they transition between scenes and music for it. Yes. Yeah. So that's really neat. I did not know that.
Ernie Reilly (01:04:27.82)
Awesome.
Ryan Simpson (01:04:31.51)
And I'm going to be using that even more now. Well, I think we are just about at time. So I think we'll wrap there. Thank you so much for a great conversation, everybody. I learned a lot. I'm hopeful that our listeners will have as well. So, yeah, at the counseling corner, just so our listeners know, we believe every child deserves to feel understood and equipped to thrive.
Ernie Reilly (01:04:48.344)
Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan Simpson (01:04:56.996)
If you're concerned about your child's focus or behavior or just think it might be helpful to have another caring voice speaking into their lives, then feel free to visit us at the counselingcorner.net or give us a call at 407-843-4968 and schedule a session with one of our great therapists here at our Orlando, Claremont or Orange City offices. If you want more helpful,
content like this from these real experts in the world of mental health, then subscribe to our show on Apple, Spotify, or YouTube, and you can follow the counseling corner on Instagram or Facebook. Also, if there's a family that came to mind or friends that may be on an ADHD journey with their kids, please be sure to share this episode. And if you can't leave us a review, it will really help us to reach and impact more people with these messages of hope, education, encouragement, and guidance as we
navigate whatever life is thrown at us together. But until next time, take care of yourself, your family, and the people you love. We'll see you with a new episode on the other side of Thanksgiving. Thank you again, everybody. It was good to talk to you.
Ernie Reilly (01:06:03.224)
Sounds good, thank you, Ry.
Amanda Riendeau (01:06:04.78)
Thanks, Ryan.
Ryan Simpson (01:06:05.756)
Have a good night.