By: Dr. Ernie Reilly, LCSW
Founder and Executive Director of The Counseling Corner, est. 1998
Your child has experienced a loss, and you are trying to understand what is happening inside them.
A preschooler may ask when the person who died is coming home. A seven-year-old may worry that someone else will die. A ten-year-old may refuse to discuss the loss but begin struggling in school. A teenager may understand exactly what happened and still retreat from everyone who wants to help.
Children grieve differently from adults. They also grieve differently from one another.
Age and development influence what children understand about death, how they express painful emotions, and what they need from the adults caring for them. Knowing these differences can help you respond with greater patience and confidence.
The age ranges below are general guides, not strict rules. Your child’s personality, maturity, relationship with the person they lost, previous experiences, family beliefs, and circumstances surrounding the loss will all shape their response.
Do Babies and Toddlers Experience Grief?
Babies and toddlers do not understand death, but they notice when someone important is no longer present.
They also feel changes in the emotional environment around them. A grieving caregiver may have less energy, routines may change, or the child may spend time with unfamiliar people. Even when a young child cannot understand the reason, they can sense that their world feels different.
Grief in babies and toddlers may appear as:
Increased crying or irritability
Difficulty sleeping
Changes in eating
Greater clinginess
Separation distress
Regression in recently developed skills
Less interest in play
Difficulty being comforted
At this age, a child needs consistency more than a detailed explanation. Familiar meals, bedtime routines, caregivers, and comforting objects can help restore a sense of safety.
Offer physical reassurance and simple language:
“Mommy is sad today, but I am here with you. You are safe, and we are going to take care of each other.”
Young children may need to hear that message many times.
How Do Preschoolers Understand Death?
Preschoolers often see death as temporary or reversible.
Their experiences with cartoons, games, and stories may teach them that characters can disappear and return. Because their thinking is concrete, phrases such as “went to sleep,” “passed away,” or “we lost Grandpa” can create confusion.
A child who hears that someone “went to sleep” may become afraid of bedtime. A child told that the family “lost” someone may wonder why adults are not searching for them.
Clear language is kinder than vague language:
“Grandpa died. His body stopped working, and he cannot come back. We will miss him, and we can still remember him and talk about him.”
Preschoolers may ask the same questions repeatedly. This does not mean they ignored your answer. Repetition is one way young children gradually understand an idea that is difficult to grasp.
Children this age may also engage in magical thinking. They may believe that an angry thought, argument, or misbehavior caused the death.
Reassure them directly:
“Nothing you thought, said, or did caused this to happen.”
Preschool grief may show up through clinginess, tantrums, disrupted sleep, toileting accidents, baby talk, repetitive play, or fears that another caregiver will disappear.
Play is one of the primary ways young children process experience. A grieving child may repeatedly act out separation, injury, rescue, death, or reunion with toys. Rather than stopping the play immediately, remain curious about what the child may be trying to understand.
How Do Early Elementary-Age Children Grieve?
Children between approximately six and eight usually begin developing a clearer understanding that death is permanent.
They may ask concrete questions:
What happened to the person’s body?
Can they still feel anything?
Where are they now?
Will someone else die?
Who will take care of me if something happens to you?
These questions can be uncomfortable for adults, especially when they are grieving too. Children usually do not need every detail, but they do need honest answers suited to their age.
You might say: “Most people live for a very long time. I am healthy, and I expect to be here to take care of you. If you feel worried about that, you can always talk with me.”
Children at this age may move rapidly between sadness and ordinary play. They may cry before breakfast and laugh with friends at school an hour later.
That movement does not mean they have stopped grieving. Children often take grief in small portions because they cannot remain inside intense emotion continuously.
You may notice:
More questions about death and safety
Difficulty concentrating
Nightmares or bedtime fears
Anger toward parents or siblings
Physical complaints such as headaches or stomachaches
Worry about leaving caregivers
Guilt or concern that they caused the loss
Changes in school performance
Continue answering questions, even when they return. Children may understand the words before they are emotionally ready to accept what those words mean.
How Do Older School-Age Children Grieve?
Between approximately nine and twelve, children generally understand death more realistically. They recognize that death is permanent and that it can happen to people they know.
That understanding may bring new questions about fairness, faith, the future, or why the death happened.
Older children may be more private about grief. They sometimes avoid bringing up the person who died because they do not want to upset a parent. They may also worry that expressing strong emotions will make them appear immature in front of friends.
Grief may appear through:
Withdrawal or unusual quietness
Irritability and arguments
Trouble concentrating at school
Perfectionism or overachievement
Frequent physical complaints
Changes in friendships
Avoiding reminders of the person who died
Becoming unusually responsible or protective of family members
A child who appears calm may still be carrying a great deal internally.
Rather than insisting on a conversation, keep the invitation open:
“I’ve noticed you’ve been quieter since Aunt Maria died. You don’t have to talk right now, but you can ask me anything or tell me how you’re feeling whenever you’re ready.”
You can also offer other ways to express grief. Drawing, writing, music, physical activity, creating a memory box, or participating in a family ritual may feel easier than a direct conversation.
How Do Teenagers Experience Grief?
Teenagers generally understand death in an adult way, but they do not always have an adult’s emotional experience or support system.
Adolescence is already a period of identity development, growing independence, changing relationships, and intense emotions. A significant loss can interrupt that process and make a teenager feel different from their peers.
Some teenagers talk openly about grief. Others turn toward friends rather than family. Some become angry, emotionally distant, intensely productive, or determined to act as though nothing has changed.
Teen grief may appear as:
Withdrawing from family or friends
Changes in sleep or appetite
Declining grades or school avoidance
Loss of interest in activities
Anger or increased conflict
Anxiety about other people’s safety
Substance use or risky behavior
Taking on an adult role within the family
Hiding emotions to protect a grieving parent
Questioning previously held beliefs
Respect your teenager’s need for privacy without disappearing from the conversation.
You might say:
“I know you may not want to talk with me about everything. I still want you to know that I’m available, and we can also find someone else you feel comfortable talking with.”
Avoid interpreting silence as indifference. Teenagers may be struggling deeply even when they resist support.
Children May Grieve the Same Loss More Than Once
A child’s understanding of loss changes as they grow.
A four-year-old who loses a parent may understand the absence differently at age eight, thirteen, or eighteen. Graduations, birthdays, holidays, athletic events, and other milestones can bring new meaning to an old loss.
This does not necessarily mean the child has gone backward or failed to heal. They are revisiting the loss with a more developed understanding.
Parents can help by recognizing those moments:
“I wonder if starting high school has made you think about Dad again. It would make sense if it has.”
Giving children permission to return to grief can prevent them from feeling that they should already be “over it.”
What Helps Grieving Children at Every Age?
Although grief changes with development, several forms of support are helpful across age groups:
Use honest, age-appropriate language.
Maintain familiar routines when possible.
Allow grief to appear in different ways.
Answer repeated questions patiently.
Avoid telling children to be strong for the family.
Reassure them that the loss was not their fault.
Include them in remembrance rituals when appropriate.
Let them experience moments of play, laughter, and normal life without guilt.
Keep the door open without forcing them to talk.
Your child does not need you to remove every painful feeling. They need to know that those feelings can be expressed and carried safely.
When Can Children’s Grief Counseling Help?
Some children gradually process grief with support from family, school, faith communities, and other trusted adults. Others benefit from a private place to express emotions they may be protecting their family from seeing.
Children’s grief counseling may be helpful when grief is interfering with sleep, school, friendships, family relationships, self-care, or everyday activities. Counseling can also help when a child is overwhelmed by guilt, fear, anger, traumatic memories, or persistent questions about the loss.
If you are specifically concerned about whether your child’s reactions indicate a need for professional help, you can also read Grief, Loss and Kids.
A child therapist may use conversation, play, stories, art, games, or family sessions depending on the child’s age and needs. The purpose is not to hurry grief or make the child forget. It is to help the child understand the loss, express what they are carrying, and remain connected to life while remembering the person they loved.
Support for Grieving Children and Families
You do not have to understand every behavior or have the perfect response.
Sometimes your child will need an answer. Sometimes they will need a routine, a hug, an open invitation to talk, or permission to go outside and play.
They may also need support from someone trained to understand how grief looks at their particular age.
Since 1998, The Counseling Corner has helped children and families across Central Florida navigate grief and other difficult transitions. We offer in-person children’s grief counseling in Orlando, Clermont, and Orange City, along with secure online counseling throughout Florida.
Grief changes as children grow. With honest guidance, patient support, and appropriate care, they can learn to carry both the loss and the love connected to it.
Call The Counseling Corner at 407-843-4968 or contact us online to ask about grief counseling for your child.