Understanding Your Child’s Big Feelings: Play Therapy and Helping Kids Regulate Emotions
By Dr. Ernest “Ernie” Reilly, LCSW | The Counseling Corner, Orlando, FL
When Little Hearts Feel Big Feelings
When Little Hearts Feel Big Feelings
Every parent has witnessed it—the meltdown that seems to arrive without warning. The spilled juice. The lost toy. The simple word “no.”
Suddenly, your child’s emotions erupt like a volcano. Tears stream down their face, shouting fills the house, or an eerie silence takes over. You might find yourself thinking, “Why are they reacting like this? It’s just juice. It’s not that big of a deal.”
But here’s the truth: to your child, it is a big deal. Their feelings are real, raw, and—most importantly—bigger than their still-developing brain knows how to handle.
That overwhelming surge isn’t defiance or drama. It’s a developing nervous system trying to process emotions it doesn’t yet have the tools to manage.
That’s where play therapy comes in. It gives children the language, skills, and safe space to understand, express, and calm their emotions—one story, one game, one trusted connection at a time.
🧠 If your child’s big feelings have you feeling overwhelmed too, you’re not alone—and there’s real help available.
The Science Behind Big Feelings: Why Kids Can’t “Just Calm Down”
Think of a child’s brain like a house under construction. The emotional center—the amygdala—gets built first. It’s the guard dog or smoke detector of the brain, designed to sense danger and trigger big reactions fast.
Meanwhile, the reasoning center—the prefrontal cortex—is still being wired. This is the part that helps us pause, think things through, and choose how to respond. In children, research shows the brain’s self-control systems mature gradually into early adulthood, and this area of the brain won’t be fully developed until their mid-twenties.
That means feelings arrive fully furnished before logic even moves in. This is why coaching beats criticism in childhood.
When kids feel sad, mad, scared, or frustrated, those emotions hit like lightning—fast, powerful, and completely overwhelming. Their brain’s “reasoning department” simply isn’t ready to handle the storm yet.
Imagine trying to solve a complex math problem while a guard dog is barking, or a fire alarm is blaring in your ear. That’s what it’s like inside your child’s brain during a meltdown. The alarm (emotions) drowns out everything else (logic and self-control).
This is why telling a dysregulated child to “calm down” or “use your words” rarely works—they simply can’t access those skills when their brain is in alarm mode.
The good news is children don’t have to learn emotional control alone—their nervous systems are wired to regulate through connection. That’s where co-regulation begins.
It’s also important to remember that not every meltdown means something is wrong. Many emotional outbursts are simply age-appropriate reactions to stress, hunger, or fatigue. Just as toddlers learn to walk by falling, children learn to manage emotions by expressing them—sometimes loudly.
When kids are tired, hungry, or overstimulated, their brain has fewer resources for self-control. You’ll often see bigger feelings and shorter patience. A snack, water, or a short rest can do more for regulation than a lecture ever will. We always want to do a quick (H.A.L.T.) check: Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Make sure you have met the body’s needs first; then move on to other possible explanations and interventions.
For most children, transitions are tough especially when moving from a preferred activity (tablet, play) to a non-preferred one (homework, bath, bedtime). For many kids, this is when self-regulation is most tested. Expect more protests here—even for well-regulated kids.
In addition, some big emotions are signs that trauma or painful memories are being triggered. The hippocampus is the brain’s memory organizer—think of it like the librarian of your child’s mind. It helps put experiences in order, add a date stamp (“this happened then”), and file them on the right shelf. When the amygdala’s alarm is blaring and stress is skyrocketing, that librarian can go “off duty.” Pages scatter. Sensations, images, and feelings from the past slide onto the table and feel like they’re happening right now.
That’s why a smell, a tone of voice, or a hallway at school can suddenly unleash big emotions. It isn’t disobedience; it’s an unshelved memory opening in the present.
Co-regulation (your steady calm) helps quiet the alarm so the “librarian” can come back online. And play therapy gives children a safe way to retell the story—through toys, art, and pretend—so the hippocampus can put the pages in order, add the date stamp (“this was then, and I’m safe now”), close the book, and return it to the shelf. We don’t throw the book away; we place it where it belongs so it doesn’t keep popping open during math time or bedtime.
💡 Understanding the “why” behind meltdowns can transform frustration into compassion.
What “Emotional Regulation” Really Means (Hint: It’s Not About Stopping Feelings)
Let’s clear up a common misconception: emotional regulation isn’t about eliminating emotions or “being good.” It’s about learning to understand, express, and move through feelings in healthy ways.
Kids aren’t born knowing how to manage emotions—they learn it through connection, modeling, and practice.
Imagine your child’s emotions as waves in the ocean. Sometimes they’re gentle ripples lapping at the shore. Other times, they’re crashing surf that knocks you off your feet. Emotional regulation is learning to surf—finding your balance on the board, riding the wave instead of fighting against it.
Again, the goal of emotional regulation is not stuffing, removing or being disconnected from your emotions---its about not letting your emotions run your life. Emotions should color and inform your life, but not be in charge. Let feelings be signals (essential data)—not steering wheels. Big emotions give us insider information about needs (safety, help, rest). But if big feelings become the only way to get power or control, kids learn to use emotion instead of understand it. We validate the feeling while keeping the healthy boundary.
We also teach children to develop emotional flexibility over time. Emotional flexibility means being able to notice a feeling, adjust your response, and choose a new strategy when the first one doesn’t work. It’s not “be calm all the time,” it’s “bend without breaking.” Emotional flexibility involves being open to and accepting of one's emotions, while also having the ability to adapt and regulate them in a way that promotes mental health and well-being. It allows individuals to navigate life's challenges with greater resilience, capacity, and adaptability.
What “Co-Regulation” Means: You Are Your Child’s Calm
Before children can self-regulate well (calm themselves down), they typically must first experience co-regulation—calming down with a trusted adult. Emotional regulation is a learned process best taught through co-regulation experiences.
Co-regulation is the process where your calm nervous system helps settle your child’s overwhelmed nervous system. Think of it like emotional Wi-Fi. When you stay steady and calm, your child’s system can “connect” to that signal and begin to regulate.
Your calm becomes their calm.
It’s like this: when you’re standing next to someone whose phone keeps buzzing with urgent notifications, you feel their stress. But when you’re with someone who’s peaceful and grounded, you feel that too. Our nervous systems are constantly reading and responding to the people around us—especially our parents.
When your child is the storm, you become the umbrella. Not by stopping the rain, but by standing steady beside them while it pours.
Co-regulation is how attachment becomes felt safety—the lived experience of “I’m safe, I’m seen, and I matter.”
🌧️ Co-regulation is the bridge between chaos and calm—and it’s something every parent can learn.
Co-Regulation in Action: Practical Ways to Help Your Child Calm Down
Think of co-regulation like learning to ride a bike: at first, you hold the seat steady while your child wobbles and falls. Over time, you let go for longer stretches—until balance becomes natural.
When athletes, like gymnasts, learn a new move, they initially work closely with a spotter to help them learn the move safely. Slowly, the spotter can do less and less until the athlete can do the move safely on their own.
You’re not doing the work for them—you’re doing it with them until they can do it alone.
Practical Co-Regulation Strategies for Home
Stay near and stay calm: You don’t have to fix the emotion. Just be a steady, calm presence. Your closeness says, “You’re safe. I’m here. We can handle this together.”
Name what you see without judgment: “You’re really frustrated that your tower fell down. That’s so hard.” Validation shows empathy without condoning misbehavior.
Breathe together: Try “balloon breaths”—inhale deeply, then exhale slowly as if blowing up a balloon.
Use fewer words during the storm: When emotions are high, keep it simple: “I’m right here.” “Let’s breathe.”
Reflect and repair later: After calm returns, ask, “What helped you feel better? What could we try next time?”
Quick co-regulation phrases
“I’m right here. Breathe with me.”
“Your feeling is okay; your safety matters.”
“Let’s make a plan—one small step.”
“Do you want help, a hug, or space?” (offer choices)
A child’s nervous system learns safety from the adults who model it consistently.
How Play Therapy Teaches Emotional Regulation: The Power of Play
Play therapy is like emotional strength training—only instead of lifting weights, children are using toys, stories, and imagination to build emotional muscles.
In the playroom, every puppet, sand tray, and crayon becomes a tool for expression. Play is the language children speak most fluently, especially when words feel too big or scary. Adults often use words; children use play. Play therapy meets kids in their natural language. The Playroom is a safe place for kids to explore their thoughts and emotions in ways that are most natural to them.
Here’s What Play Therapy Looks Like in Action:
A child might:
🦖 Act out anger through a dinosaur battle—the T-Rex knocking over blocks represents the rage they felt when their sibling broke their toy
🏰 Show fear by building a fortress to protect toy animals—revealing their need for safety after witnessing a scary argument at home
🦸 Rehearse bravery through superhero play—practicing what it feels like to face something that scares them
The magic happens when the play therapist helps translate those stories into understanding.
“It looks like that bear is feeling really scared right now. I wonder if you’ve ever felt that way?”
Naming feelings removes their power to hijack behavior. Over time, children learn that feelings aren’t scary—they’re signals. Once they can recognize those signals, they can begin to respond differently. When a child expresses their emotions in a safe environment, gains insight into them, and then learns to problem-solve and self-regulate more effectively, big, scary feelings can become manageable signals.
Play therapy can also supplement other supports your child may already receive—like school counseling, occupational therapy, family or parent-child therapy, or parent coaching. When caregivers, schools, and therapists work together, progress accelerates because everyone speaks the same emotional language.
🧸 Play isn’t just fun—it’s how children process the world and practice being human.
What Parents Learn from Play Therapy: It Changes You Too
Many parents find themselves trapped between two extremes when it comes to their child's big emotions.
On one side, some parents let their child's feelings run the entire household. They tiptoe around meltdowns, rearrange schedules to avoid triggers, and feel held hostage by emotions they don't know how to handle. The fear is understandable—watching your child suffer is painful. But here's what many parents don't realize: when you're afraid of your child's emotions, your child feels that fear too. And if the adults seem scared, the child's unspoken question becomes: "If my feelings are too big for them to handle, how will I ever handle them myself?"
Letting your child feel their feelings is absolutely important. But letting those emotions control their lives and everyone else’s lives—dictating family decisions, dominating every interaction, preventing healthy boundaries—creates chaos instead of growth and healing.
On the other side, some parents try to discipline emotions away. They respond to big feelings with consequences, timeouts, yelling, or stern lectures, hoping to "teach" their child to behave better. And yes, discipline absolutely has a vital place in parenting. Structure, limits, and accountability are essential.
But here's the problem: fear of punishment is not the same as understanding yourself and developing necessary skills A child who's punished for anger may learn to hide it, but they don't learn what to do with it. They don't develop self-regulation skills, emotional awareness, or problem-solving abilities. They just learn to fear or distrust their parent and hide and suppress—until one day, the pressure becomes too much.
Play therapy doesn’t just help children—it transforms how parents understand their child’s inner world. It helps parents understand that feelings aren't the enemy, but neither should they be the dictator. Through play therapy, families learn that emotional regulation isn't about unhealthy control, avoidance, or chaos—it's about connection, understanding, emotional flexibility, and skill-building.
In parent consultation sessions, a therapist can help parents gain insights and more effective approaches.
Parents often discover that:
💭 Feelings are data, not drama. Every meltdown reveals something deeper.
💭 Connection and Co-regulation calms faster than correction typically will.
💭 Repair matters more than perfection. Saying “I’m sorry” teaches resilience.
💭 Behavior is communication. Aggression might mean “I feel powerless.” Withdrawal might mean “I feel unsafe.”
Parents often describe play therapy as “finally understanding the why behind the what.”
Real-Life Example: When Anger Turned Into Understanding
(Details changed to protect privacy)
Let me tell you about Marcus, a 7-year-old boy who came to play therapy after daily explosive outbursts at school. His teachers were frustrated. His parents were exhausted. Marcus himself felt like "a bad kid."
In the playroom, Marcus gravitated toward the toy soldiers. Week after week, he built elaborate forts and had the soldiers "defend the base" from invaders. He was intense, focused, and sometimes his play got pretty aggressive.
Through this play, Marcus was expressing something he didn't have words for: the fear of losing control. His parents were going through a difficult divorce, and home—his safe base—felt like it was under attack.
Over time, Marcus began to talk about what the soldiers were afraid of. We introduced new "tools" in the play—breathing exercises disguised as "soldier training," storytelling about brave characters who felt scared, and safe ways to express big feelings.
Slowly, Marcus learned that behind his anger was sadness—and that feelings could be felt and managed, not just fought against.
By the end of our work together, his teacher noticed he could pause before reacting. He started using words like "I'm frustrated" instead of acting out. That's emotional regulation in action—not perfect, but powerful.
❤️ Every child's story is different, but the need for understanding is universal.
Simple Tools for Home: Turning Play Into Emotional Practice
You don't need to be a therapist to use play-based strategies at home. Try these co-regulation and emotion-building activities with your child:
🛋️ The Calm Corner (Not a Timeout—A "Time-In")
Create a cozy spot with calming items: soft pillows, fidgets, coloring pages, a favorite stuffed animal. This isn't punishment—it's a safe space to reset when feelings get big.
🎨 Name It to Tame It
When your child names their feeling, their brain begins to calm. Ask: "What color is your feeling right now?" "If your worry was an animal, what would it be?"
🎈 Balloon Breaths
Pretend to blow up a big balloon together. Inhale deeply through the nose, then exhale slowly through the mouth. Make it playful—see who can blow the "biggest balloon."
🎭 Emotion Charades
Take turns acting out different feelings (happy, scared, silly, mad) and guess what they are. This builds emotional awareness and empathy in a fun, low-pressure way.
⏪ Rewind & Replay
After a tough moment, role-play how to handle it differently next time. "Let's pretend the tower fell again. What could we say or do instead of throwing the blocks?"
Each small practice strengthens your child's "emotional muscles." Just like learning to read or ride a bike, emotional regulation improves with repetition and support.
🧩 Play is the work of childhood—and emotional learning happens best through connection, not correction.
When to Consider Play Therapy for Your Child
Play therapy can be transformative, but how do you know if your child needs professional support?
Consider play therapy if your child frequently:
❗ Has meltdowns that feel unmanageable — lasting 30+ minutes, happening multiple times daily, or involving aggression toward self or others
❗ Worries excessively — refusing to go to school, avoiding activities they used to enjoy, or constantly seeking reassurance
❗ Struggles to express emotions appropriately — either shutting down completely or exploding with little warning
❗ Shows physical symptoms when upset — frequent stomachaches, headaches, or complaints of feeling sick without medical cause
❗ Experienced a significant change or trauma — divorce, loss of a loved one, moving, bullying, or witnessing something frightening
If any of these sound familiar, seeking help isn't a sign of failure—it's an act of love. Play therapy gives children a safe, structured space to process what feels overwhelming, with a trained professional who speaks their language: play.
Not sure if it’s time? Schedule a parent coaching session.
🌱 Early intervention can prevent small struggles from becoming big problems later.
Learn more in our full guide, Play Therapy and Child Counseling in Orlando: A Complete Guide for Parents.
Hope for Parents: You’re Not Alone in This
Your child's big feelings aren't a sign that you've failed as a parent. They're not evidence that something is "wrong" with your child. If you feel guilty, short‑fused, or unsure what to try next—you’re not alone. You’re learning alongside your child.
Big feelings are invitations to connection.
Through play therapy, kids learn that emotions can be felt, understood, and managed. They discover that feelings aren't enemies—they're messengers bringing important information.
And as your child grows in emotional regulation, you grow too. You'll see fewer explosive outbursts, more attempts at communication, and beautiful moments where your calm becomes their calm.
You'll watch them develop skills that will serve them for life—the ability to pause, reflect, express themselves, and recover from setbacks. These are the building blocks of resilience.
🌟 "When we teach children that all feelings are welcome but not all behaviors are, we give them the lifelong gift of emotional wisdom."
Final Thought: Every Storm Passes
Every child has storms—moments when emotions feel too big, too fast, too much.
But no storm lasts forever.
Play therapy helps your child build the tools to weather life's inevitable challenges—and helps you become the safe harbor they return to again and again.
If your child's emotions feel overwhelming—for them or for you—The Counseling Corner in Orlando is here to help. Our child therapists and play therapy specialists provide compassionate, evidence-based support for emotional regulation, anxiety, anger, behavioral struggles, and childhood trauma.
We understand what you're going through, and we know how to help.
📞 Ready to Take the Next Step?
The Counseling Corner: Serving families across Orlando, Clermont, and Orange City
☎️ Call us: 407-843-4968 📧 Email: info@counselingcorner.net 🌐 Online and in-person sessions available
💡 For Further Reading & Resources
For more on helping your child handle anxiety, read How Can I Calm Anxiety? The Science Behind Anxiety and Understanding How to Calm Your Mind.
To learn more about staying steady through emotional storms, visit Safe Harbor in the Storm: Becoming the Safe Harbor in the Storm
— Learn more about how play therapy works and find certified play therapists
— Free resources for parents on managing big emotions by Dr. Dan Siegel — A parent's guide to understanding your child's developing brain